Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Wedding Planning Advice



Every Woman's Dream

            He finally proposed! Huzzah! Quickly guzzle that celebratory champagne in your hand because you have a lot of work to do.  If this is your first wedding there is something you need to know. Planning a wedding is a complete time suck.  It's a lot of running around, meeting vendors, and arguing with your mother. But it doesn't have to be merely, joyless stress.  Don't forget this is your special day you're planning and it's the perfect time to get your revenge on those loved ones who have disappointed or hurt you in the past.  To help the first time bride I've provided a revenge jumping off point. Here are 6 basic areas you can fit some vengeance in your wedding planning.

            1. The Attire

            Traditionally this is where the bride makes her best friends dress in hideous bridesmaids gowns. And if you love tradition and these bitches have got it coming, go for it.  If you're looking for a little less traditional revenge because you're not an old fashion gal try shaking it up a little by using your own outfit to stick it to people.  
           
            Do you have an awesome body?  Then flaunt it.  Get a dress that will make the female guests at your wedding hate you.  Get a gown that really accentuates all you've got in the T&A department. 
           
            Or go after you mother or other conservative traditional relatives.  You know the ones who are still living in the 1950s with their gender normative ideas about women and style. The same people who have never read the words "Gender Normative. "  The best part about this option is that it's cheap. Walk down the aisle in ripped baggy-blue jeans, a loose-fitting t-shirt adorned with the Tasmanian Devil (or Marvin the Martian whomever you're into--it's your special day) finish the look off with some high top Chuck Taylors.  Then make sure the photographer gets close-ups shots of your mother's tears streaming down her face as pools of mascara collect on her cheek bones.  An added bonus to this look is that you save time by not having to try on countless wedding dresses.

            Don't worry girly girls who don't have the body to cause other women to develop an eating disorder I haven't forgot about you.  Find a fabulous dress and then write on the invitation it's a jeans optional, causal wedding. Make sure  to have the wedding in a cold month so none of your guests can wear skimpy tank-tops and short shorts. Keep them in bulky sweaters and long underwear. Again winter weddings can save you money which you're going to need because you're going all out on the dress. 

            Additional outfit ideas:  Meat dress, naked, Victorian Era dress,  Bikini, kilt, star wars regalia. The choices are limitless. Once you hone in on who you really want to piss off you should have no problem finding the outfit that is just right.

           
            2.  The Music

            I have to admit ever since I was a little girl I've been dreaming of my wedding day for one reason, I'd get to pick the music. And the music would exclude all songs made popular during the adolescence of the Baby Boom generation.  That generation needs to be taken down a notch. They think they are so great just because there are so many of them. For my part in the fight against those porn somewhere between 1945-1965 is to not allow 100 people in some catering hall to listen to the oldies for 5 hours.
           
            But that's me, let's get back to you because it's your special day (Yes, I keep mentioning that. You're going to hear it a lot I'm helping you get used to it.).    Are you a hipster or audiophile with other audiophile friends? What better way to get back at them than to play the most obscure music that they can't claim to have ever heard before.   Caveat, no one may dance at this wedding.  This is definitely the route for a hands on bride, one who is good at DIY projects and who have plenty time to spend.  You either A) have to assemble your own band of no-names to ensure no one else has ever heard of them. Then this group either plays the wedding, or you make a recording of all their original tunes and your dj plays these songs at the wedding.  Hey, no one said revenge was cheap and easy (that's a Craigslist hooker), just like at the gym if you want to see results you have to put the effort in.  It really could be worth it if your audiophile pals are truly obnoxious about music.     

            If your single friends just love bragging about how awesome it is to not be tied-down, or for some reason you have it out for your lonely single friends and relatives, play nothing but swing dance tunes (Actually, any music that requires a dance partner here will work). Let's see if those one-night stand champions were lucky enough to find a swing dance aficionado for a date.  Especially, considering swing dance's last revival  ended in 1999 -- nearly a generation ago.

            More music options:  no music at all-- make everyone talk to each other, death metal/gangsta rap, a high school marching band (I bet they're a real bargain).

             
            3.  Seating Chart
           
             I once attended a wedding where the groom arranged the tables to maximize as much contention as possible. For an argumentative contrarian such as myself I found this wedding to be a fun one,  but I'm sure he really got back at some people that night.

            A good avenue is to divide and conquer. It worked for the Romans.   Here's a sample seating chart to help illustrate the point
           
            Of course when in doubt you can always just sit people with their parents.  No one wants to spend a party with their parents or their kids.  

            4. The Menu

            There are tons of things to do with a menu. It really depends on how far you're willing to take your revenge.  You literally could kill someone, and if that person needs to die,  what better time for him/her to meet his/her maker than on your special day.   For me there is too much collateral damage to get my revenge this route. For example an revengee could ruin the bathroom and then the revenge is on you.   
           
            But here are some options if you really looking for answers in this area.  Trick a vegan into eating honey or chicken stock etc.  Make sure every menu item consists of some sort of dairy product so the lactose intolerant can't escape.  Make it a cash bar, or even worse provide no liquor at all.  You could really make people sad with any of the following:  Kosher menu, Vegan menu, or Pot luck--make them do the work.

           
            5. The Ceremony

            The ceremony you can go the traditional route. You and your partner to be can go on and on and on and on and on about your love. Its perfectness. Its divinity.  Its once in a millenia-ness.  The point of course is to make your wedding guests feel insecure about their own relationships. To make the wedding guests jealous that their marriages are just run of the mill and not storybook like yours. It is not very creative, but it works. A tried and true revenge method that will have many on the guest list nauseated.

            But why phone it in? The ceremony can be so much fun and where you can really let your revenge creativity fly.

            Are you an anarchist who hates the government? Turn the wedding into an elaborate commitment ceremony.  You know the old saying? "I don't need a piece of paper to know I'm committed to you."  You don't file taxes anyway, so it's not like you need this thing government sanctioned in order file jointly. Or go bolder. Hold your wedding on the Washington Mall without a permit.  Have the government pay for your honey moon accommodations by spending the night free of charge in their jail.
           
            Instead maybe you're a law-abiding conservative related to a bunch of free-wheeling hippies. If so it's clear you're getting married in a church.  The Catholic Church is good, so is an Evangelical Church, though I'd stay away from the Pentecostals the fact that they bring snakes into their worship could backfire because the hippies could see the presence of the snakes as communing with nature.
           
            Then again you might have a grudge with the clergy themselves.  If that's the case you can go two routes. The first is simple.  Just leave religion out of it.  Have a civil service.  City Hall marriages are usually cheaper than church weddings anyway. The problem with this first option is the clergy who wronged you don't get to know how angry you are at them. Heck, they might not even know you're getting married.

            If you need to stick it in the clergy's face try this second option.  Here's how it could play out.  You and your future spouse get married down at City Hall before the wedding. This is to ensure you get married, just in case the clergyperson flees in the middle of the ceremony.  On the day of the ceremony as the groom stands at the altar (or whomever is standing at the alter- this is your special day) send in the fire jugglers and unicycle riders.   At this point you get the Polyphonic Spree (or a cheap imitation of the group) to surround the guests in their pews. Once surrounded have the Polyphonic Spree start exalting Juno the Roman god of marriage, in song or chant or however you want. (Well, you know why.)

            Next,  you walk down the aisle.  And just when it seems like all the craziness has subsided an actor who looks like a young Dustin Hoffman should barge into the ceremony and scream, "Elaine! Elaine" and he looks around realizes something is amiss and then sheepishly says, "Oops, sorry wrong wedding."  

            Or save yourself time and just have a Satanist wedding. That's sure to piss everyone off.
           
            6. The Wedding Party

            You can't say you were never the bride because look at you, you're planning your special day. But what is more hurtful then not ever being a bride? Never being asked to be a bridesmaid.  Yeah, I hear that, man. So fuck'em. have no bridal party. 

            Or instead,  have a huge wedding party. Constantly tell each one of your bridesmaid how close you feel to them. Sit each one down and have a heart to heart.  Let he/she know he/she feels like a sister to you. Express how you don't know if you would have survived life up until this point if he/she were not in your life.  Lay it on thick and then watch them squirm and awkwardly smile back at you.   Bonus,  they all have to buy the ugly bridesmaid dress. It's fantastic.
           
            Another option is to hire actors to pretend to be your wedding party. Come up with a fabulous back story. For example, you guys met years ago in Patagonia. Now every year you meet up and travel the world searching for extreme adventures and beach front resorts. . How out of the loop the guests will feel having no idea who these people are, or that you did this with your life, or that you had the money to do this with your life. 

I hope the list was helpful in at least getting you started. And remember there are no hard and fast rules, you're the bride you can take revenge in any way you see fit.  It is of course your special day.


       

 

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