Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Kansas

I lived in Portland, OR for a little over three years. When I moved back East I decided to drive across the U.S. My travels took me through Kansas. The by product of that decision is the following joke.

I got pulled over several times while driving the two-lane highways of Kansas. The most memorable traffic stop in that state was for failure to signal. Yes, as I drove through some po-dunct town at 10pm I failed to signal while getting my car into the right lane. Mind you my car was the only car on the road--for the cop's car was in the bushes. He pulled me over and told me, “You failed to signal and the summer is nearing- you know tourist season and all.” Come again. What? Was he saying that in the winter the 7 people that live in the town can go crazy. They can move from the left lane to the right lane and back to the left lane without using their blinker. Maybe even flip a bitch right in the middle of the road. Next thing they'll be tipping cows. Their state Motto should be "Kansas: our laws are seasonal"

The winter thing was only half of the 100% bizarro statement. He also said "Tourist season was nearin'" Who's going to Jetmore Kansas to sight-see? I was only there because I was on my way to the Atlantic Ocean and Jetmore was in my way. Perhaps those anti-abortion billboards that line the roads are a tourist draw--because they're hysterical. One read, “Abortion stops a beating, heart.” Yeah, so does my grandmother’s cooking, what's your point. Should we put up a billboard reading, "Don't eat Nettie Isaacson's kuggle." OK. Maybe we should. Bad example.

-----------------------

Side note.
The name above is actually my grandmother's name. My mother heard me tell this joke and said, that my grandmother will be thrilled to learn she's in my act. So my mother told my grandmother the good news. I felt a little nervous, I didn't want to hurt my grandmother's feelings. I asked my mother if she told grandma the exact joke. My mom responded, "Oh no. I just told her that you said her cooking murdered grandpa." Yes, mom that was much more tactful.

1 comment:

T. Crabill said...

I am from Jetmore, KS. I stumbled upon your website, and didn't really appreciate you dogging Jetmore, or Kansas for that matter. You know nothing about the land. And why in the world would you crack a joke about an abortion billboard? You are pathetic.