Friday, August 08, 2008

Because I'm not Famous

Yesterday I had an out of town gig. At a camp. A camp for kids. In fairness to my friend who booked me on this show I was the headliner. The headliner of a comedy show of puebscent and prepuebscent campers. By the time I took the stage the 12-16 old kids had left, chased out of the camp dining hall by their fellow campers who had taken the stage earlier. All that was left were the 8 and 9-year-olds who had nothing better to do and no free will.

Prior to the show I construct a 10 minute set that had no foul language, nor any sex, drugs, or murder references. What did I get for my efforts? I got heckled. The children heckled me. That's the thing a clean set doesn't mean a children appropriate set. Kid's don't know what longterm care insurance is. They don't know what temping is (oh but they will! It was arts camp full of aspiring performers) they don't know who harrison ford is. I'm 31 years old I have no idea what kids know. I know they and I don't have the same interest. So I was heckled. Which turned into me insulting the children. I said things like, "You must know about alcohol because your father drinks." The little fucker responded, "You've gone too far." I gave him my classic, "Did you buy me a drink? Then why are you talking to me?"

But the kids were too much for me. You see kids are like the White South African Apartaid government as portrayed in the 1990s movie Leathal Weapon II. Kids have diplomatic immunity. They can steal Cougarants, kill Mel Gibson's girlfriend, beat the shit out of Joe Pesci and you can't do anything to them because they're underage aka Diplomatic Immunity. These kids can park where ever they like or heckle me all night and I can't say shit. Literally. I can't use the word "shit" or I would get in trouble, but they can tell me I suck. I can't say "What did you step out of an 80s time machine with that hair cut?" And just like those Apartiad diplomats they know you can't touch them, so they keep pushing your buttons.

They only thing children should be allowed to participate in is karate. Karate is the great loophole to children's repercussions to being assholes. In karate if a kid acts up you can make the kid do push-ups or say, "OK. Glove-up." Which means it's time to spar and even if you're bigger than me kid I have the fact that I have gone through puberty and actually have muscle tone.

My point. I need a new agent.

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