Monday, August 18, 2008

A Conspiracy Revealed

You want to know why you're married? Wrong! It's not because you're in love and/or want children. The reason is you have been brainwashed by Industrial Capitalistic Complex. Marriage equals corporate dollars.

The Complex knows one thing. It knows that if people are left to their own devices they would be perfectly happy loafing about and occassionally going to the beach. This does not generate revenue. However, married people have to go out and do things. They have to go to events and go out to dinner. Married people have to infuse their marriage with interesting things otherwise it's just awkward. It's just two people loafing around, occassionally going to the beach, and blankly staring at each other. Nothing causes existential angst like having nothing to say. A person wouldn't realize they didn't have anything to say if they weren't married. To avoid existential angst people go out do things so they have something to talk about. "Yes, I prefer Burger King's burger to McDonald's, however, I find the McDonald chicken McNugget superior to Burger King's chicken Tender."
"Honey, I agree with you on the burgers but not so much on the chicken. For chicken fingers I think you have to go with Wendy's."
"Is it true that the Wendy's guy was adopted?"
"I believe so. But I think he's dead now."
And so it goes.

And thus, every one on the planet has been convinced by their respective cultures that marriage is a must. Non-capitalistic countries usually have arranged marriages because they don't need as much capital, while the rest of us are out there having the burden of finding our own marriage partner.

The non-arranged marriage is brilliant from the Complex's stand-point. All these single people are out there spending money going out trying to meet people to marry. And when single people aren't out on the prowl they're out pursuing hobbies to make themselves more interesting to a person they meet when out on the prowl. And the money keeps getting spent.

Eventually most people find someone to marry and after 7-25 years the marriage fails, the conversations become. "Are you fucking kidding me? You think Burger King has better burgers! If that's true than why is McDonalds the biggest burger company? You don't know shit you're so stupid!"
"I'm stupid, you friggin idiot? You're the one who just follows the herd like a lemming."
"Nice mixed metaphor!"
"At least I use poetic language."
And then they hire a divorce lawyer, and judges are paid and court clerks employed. Without marriage the Industrial Capitalistic Complex would fall.

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