Monday, December 21, 2009

Holiday Boxes

We're just a few days away from Christmas. It's that time of year where we rip open the wrapping paper and yank open boxes to see what box our friends and family put us in. For the 30something, single urbanite we have a gifts certificate to J-Date. "Wait a minute. For Christmas you got me a gift certificate to a Jewish dating site? That doesn't seem right, somewhere."

"Hey, you're over 30, single, and living in NYC I don't care what church you think you belong to, J-date for you."

Hey football fan, I have the perfect gift for you a beer cozy. "Ahh, thanks man. Unfortunately, I don't drink beer."
"Don't drink beer, huh? You can't like football...I must have miss heard you. Perhaps you'd like tihs tennis racket instead."

And for the skinny-jean wearing, bearded 20-something hell, I can get you anything. If you don't like it, well, that's just what I intended isn't the gift so ironic?

Thursday, December 17, 2009


You want to know why the public school system is failing our youth? Well, you've clicked to the right place. After conducting a three day study where I taught a handful of 2nd-5th graders a 40 minute, non-academic class I have found the answer. We're never going to find good teachers. Why? Because no one who has any other skill would chose to surround themselves with children. The idea of hiring "good" or "better" teachers is like saying, let's find better fast food employees. Just as fast food is a last resort for teenagers and the mentally handi-cap so is teaching for the adult worker.

It is unnatural to have a room full of children. No one has given birth to 35 children. Not even back in the day when we needed farm labor. At most you had 13 kids who not be the same age. Whoever came up with the idea of school was looking for a break from their own offspring. Now, the kids I studied, are delightful, on an individual level. Most children are great by themselves or in couples. Why? Because we, as adults are bigger than them. They no we could crush with our pinkies. Unfortunately, children much like the Bonobo monkey females use their numbers to overpower the much larger yet solitary adult put in charge of them.

How to fix the situation.

Home school for everyone. This of course also has the added benefit of reducing the population. If people had to actually spend time with their own children they probably wouldn't have any.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Some douchebag or douchebags stole my bike a week and half ago. The police of course are too busy with "real crime" like writing parking tickets and busting people who jump the turnstyle to find the culprits. What is a girl with no investigative skills to do?

I will drive a car. I will drive a car near and far. I will idle the car when not driving it. I will send as much carbon into the air as possible in hopes that the globe will warm, the sea levels will rise and my bike theif will drown in his/her apartment. I will drive my car so that New York City becomes as polluted as possible so that the thief will develop asthym or some sort of Cancer. And as we know if a car gets stolen the cops look for that.

Meanwhile here is some advice to legislative bodies around the country. Legalize drugs. Take the manpower you were using to hunt drug dealers and drug users, take the money from the taxes on the now legal drugs and find my god damn bike.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Molding Young Minds

I just got a new part time job as an after school drama teacher to 7 and 8 year old kids. The non-profit that provides the "arts" program requires us teachers to incorporate academics in our lessons. It can't just be fun and games. Below are few of my lessons.

"Hey kids, let's try some math. If you spend $100,000 on theatre degree how long will it take you to pay back your student loans when you earn $20,000 a year for the rest of your life?"

"Now let's try a character study. Let's examine the protype character the starving artist. Say someone like myself. You'd have to play her down trodden. Do you think this is what she envisioned for her future when she was your age taking some arts program for kids? She's not even a real teacher."

"To sum up. Don't have dream, go into banking."

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Are There Sports Fans in Heaven?

A fan of the NY Football Giants died earlier this week. His death has made me really think about death and the afterlife. Now that he's gone I wondered if his spirit will help the Giants defeat the Eagles this coming Sunday. That'd be a nice gesture. But then I realized that people die everyday all over the world even in Philadelphia. I'm sure there are Eagles fans that have died this week. Won't these people's spirit be trying to help the Eagles win this Sunday? Then you have to wonder if the deceased in Dallas are now plotting to collapse Giants Stadium Sunday night. If the teams can't play they can't overtake the Cowboys as the leaders of NFC East. But if Giants and Eagle players die wouldn't they plot to destroy the new Cowboys $1 billion stadium.

So inconclusion, I'm guessing the dead don't care about sports after they have died. Heaven is supposed to be peaceful and there is nothing peaceful about being a sports fan.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

The Valor

I opened up my web browser to read "Family-ties Mom, 'I'm a lesbian." I take that too mean Meredith Baxter is gay. Wowy. This is almost as interesting as when Lilian Tomlin came out of the closet a year or two ago. Sorry ladies but you missed the boat. No one cares if actors are gay anymore. Sure certain people care if you get married but none of care if you're gay. If you wanted this public outing of your romantic and sexual life to mean something you should have done it 20 years ago when you were a national celebrity who had something to lose and the attitudes towards gays was different. You coming out now is like me hopping a plane this afternoon to Germany, standing in the middle of Berlin and saying, "I'm a Jew! I'm a Jew!" I'm sure some Germans still think Jews are money-grubbing, disease-cariers but they've come to terms with the fact that we live among them.

All I'm saying is that you don't see Tom Cruise publicly declaring his homesexuality. Maybe because he still works regularly and doesn't need the publicity.

I'm just saying you're not brave. It's not news, get over yourself.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009


I'm kind of done with being potty trained. I'm over it. I want to go back to peeing when I have to pee whether or not there is a bathroom near. Just pull down my pants and pee. Yes, I still want to pull down my pants because wet pants are uncomfortable and can chafe. I'm not ready to give up all my developed foward thinking.

I'm also done with holding in my emotions. While I'm waiting for the subway for I don't want to stand there silently--socially appropriately. I want to yell at the subway system to send my god damn train already. I'm done being a rational athiest. I want to yell at the gods to send the train because the MTA sure as hell isn't.

All I'm saying is civilized is way over rated. The other animals know what's going on.