Monday, June 16, 2008

Coal and Your Man

Hey this piece isn't ready to be read, but you know I'm a brave and lazy.


Here is what I know about why we have the sexual mores we have today. Namely, that women who sleep around are slutty whores who should be stoned to death, while women who marry get a big party and our showered with gifts.

These long held traditions of stoning the sluts and showering the married can be traced back to ancient times—back to the Fertile Crescent and Mesopotamia. They ancient Mesopotamians didn’t want women having sex so that the ruling class could control common men. Before the birth of western civilization men and women walked around in fur hides smashing things with clubs. Then one-day things changed and coal needed to be mined. Obviously no one wanted to mine coal. What horrible past time. Coalmines are cold, damp, dark (dark another word for very scary), and full of emphysema causing air. Why would you mine coal when you could just walk around in the sunshine with a club and speak and hit stuff? So the men were like, “You know what Western Civ dudes, we’re not mining coal. It’s stupid.” But the dudes who desperately wanted coal mined were a determined bunch. They yelled and screamed and then threw a tantrum. The other regular dudes were like, “Forget you guys and you mines will go live in the woods over on the other side of the hill and eat leafy vegetables, berries and some venison. See you later suckers.” The coal mine owners would not be thwarted, “Oh yeah we’ll take our clubs and spears and hit you in the face with them.”
“Helloooo. We have clubs and spears too.”
“Ahhh foiled again.”

But the coal mine owners weren’t going to take this supine. There were coal in ‘dem mines and by god those other dudes were going to get the coal out of that mine. They came up with a plan. The coal miners decided they’d put the spears and clubs in the faces of the women. The women were smaller and though some of them were scrappy they fought too much amongst themselves to realize they could kick the ass of a handful of spear and club bandiers. The women conceded and said, “Fine, we’ll mine your coal.”
“No. You won’t be mining our coal. You ladies are too small you can’t reach the coal at the top of the mine walls. Instead you are forbidden to have sex with any man who isn’t mining coal.”
“Wow, you coal mine owners, suck.”
“Not only that you can only sleep with one coal miner in your life time. If you don’t you’ll be banished to the sea.”
“The sea? Really?”
“For now. Yes, later on we’ll just socialize and/or ostracize you.”
“This new system has just begun and we already miss the old days of a short life expectancy and forest dwelling.”

And so the coal mine owners told the other men if they ever wanted to fornicate again they’d have to mine coal. Some men rebelled and wound up taking up with sheep and what not, but most guys couldn’t handle the fierce kicks to the gut, knees and inner thighs.
In the end there was lots of coal, even more drinking and long miserable lives.

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