Thursday, April 29, 2010

Is this Fair? No.

If I were to go out and kill like 20 people or 200 people and then get caught the story in the papers would be how unfunny and impotent I was as a comedian, which is completely untrue and unfair. I'm not saying I'm some comedy genius but I have written and performed some funny bits. Just because I do, what many might perceive as a bad thing, my work will be unfairly judged. Hitler wasn't a bad painter because he was a vicious dictator. He was a vicious dictator because he was a horrible painter, or maybe no one recognized him as a artistic force. (I've never seen a Hitler painting.)

On the flipside of course if I were to be raped and murdered and left on the side of the road the story would be how my brilliant comedy light had been extinguished way too early. Again not fair because I’m dead and I could have written some good jokes about my murder.

My point is jail should be the punishment for a killing spree and not bullshit disparagement of my work just because you don't like the other things I did with my life.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Freedom Fries! Yes!

Alright so there is a big hub bub going on in Arizona about their new immigration law. What I find crazy is that immigration both legal and illegal has become an Hispanic (Latino) issue. That's just racist. Not just on the part of Arizona legislature but also on the part of Hispanic people who go to all these immigration rallies. Sorry burst everyone's bubble but spanish speaking people aren't the only illegal immigrants in this country.

What about the French? When I first moved to Portland, OR I was staying in a hostel. That hostel was housing an illegal French girl, whose name I can not recall because it was foriegn and French sounding. Not only was trying to find someone to hire her "under the table" but she had a crush on an American who was in a relationship with another American. I dare say her sole reason for staying here was to wreak havoc on the American family. Granted this dude and his girlfriend weren't married, but if Frenchy kept to her own country and her own that live there, perhaps they would have had a shot at marriage. Where were the Portland Police department? Why wasn't anyone taking the French threat more seriously? Yes, this was before 9/11 before the French decided not to back us in Iraq. But, we should have known.

It would have been one thing if this French girl, who didn't like rootbeer or cinamon-how unAmerican, was trying to date a guy no American woman wanted to date. Meeting the jobless, unathletic, not too bright man, who lives with his Aunt (because his mother threw him out) for a night at the movies where she has to pay. Fine. I understand. Perhaps there is a shortage of men in France and a lady needs companionship. But the audacity of her trying to steal an American man from an American woman, well, call immigration and deport her.

Now how do you look for illegal Frenchies? Simple look for pale people with narrow fox-like noses sitting in cafes in the afternoon. They probably will be slimmer than most of us, unless it's Gerard Depardieu. (What jerk he is taking roles away from American Actors). They won't be eating freedom fries either. Look for underarm hair under the ladies arms. Warning, some unshaven women are just hippies and not French at all.

The problem with hunting down the illegal French is that the don't just cross into Arizona, they could be living anywhere in the country, even Detriot.

Say what you will about Hispanics but I don't see them stealing anyone's possible husbands.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What's in a Name?

Good news everyone. Alleged sexual assualtist, Ben Rothlesberger, is not a Jew. His name would make a person think, perhaps Jewish as would his coloring, however, according to wikipedia he is of Scandinavian descent. The Scandinavian can handle a scandal right now. The worst thing they've done, recently, is host a volcano, whose dust cloud shut down Northern Europe's airspace. Yes, inconvenient and costly, but not really the Scandinavians fault. Meanwhile, the Jewish people are still trying to live down Bernie Madoff. So they do not need Ben Rothlesberger on their team and thankfully he's not. Ike Davis, the new Met 1st baseman, is a Jew. Not only is he hitting a ton his first week in the majors, he has yet to be publicly accused of sexual misconduct. Go Ike!

I'd also like to point out Ben Rothlesberger is not a woman. Some might find this observation to be obvious as he is a professional football player, however, with the way he allegedly treats women, one might think he's a woman himself (herself?). As we all know no one is worse to a woman than another woman. Granted, women don't usually wip out their penises infront of other women, but we sure can make each other cry. And right now the last thing women-folk need is some bad publicity. I mean how will ever get paid equal pay for equal work? We won't if Ben Rothlesberger is one of us and I'm so glad he isn't.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Rodents. Urg!

There many horrible things about NYC but one of the worst is the rodent problem in this town. You can't get rid of them even if you move. I've decided to spread Sweet N Low all over my floor so the mice will get cancer and die. People have told me this plan will take to long to kill them but at least the invaders will suffer. And good luck to those guys finding medical marijuana.

The other thing that befuddles me is how does the 4 Seasons Hotel and the W hotel keep their hotels rodent free. These place can't have a guest find a mouse in the room it would ruin their reputation and they wouldn't be able to charge upwards of $400 dollars a night. I want to know what they do. If it's expensive...well...I guess I'm shit out of luck, but if it's just immoral I'm in.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Tiger Woods' sex life has been in the media these last 6 months or however long. Some have defended Woods' actions stating things like, (here this next sentence with a Brooklyn dialect) "If every guy who cheated on his wife lost his job, we wouldn't have much of a workforce."

Umm. Why are you people getting married? Did you know you don't have to get married?

If you want to sleep around then don't get married. If your mother won't let you live with her into your 30s and 40s, and therefore you have no one to clean up after you and cook for you, hire a maid.

I know. I know. You want kids. Easy. Gay people have children all the time and their not allowed to get married. I'm sure you can figure something out, like hiring a hooker to have your kid. Or a college student looking for tuition. You can adopt. Homesexuals adopt children why can't a womanizer or manizer (depending on your gender. I don't believe philandering is a male dominated hobby.)

I'm just saying this is America and most of us aren't Amish, so we don't have arranged marriages. Here's a slogan for you "Stop being a douche. Stay single."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Latest and Greatest

So the Droid phone has a new ad out basically bragging that it can help you find constellations. Was this a problem before? Where there phone users out there for the past hundred years bemoaning the fact that while they were talking on the telephone they, for the life of them, could not remember which one was the Big Dipper and which one was Orion's belt?

Has anyone out with their friends hit upon a conversation where they were trying to remember find out who sang that song with the whistling in the begining and then a man and woman sing something about the young folks and the old folks only to realize how insignificant that question is when you realize there is a whole universe above us that we can't navigate from our bar stool right now?

You know what Droid? How about you take your head out of the clouds and give me a working keypad, that isn't a touch screen and an included memo app. Or if we're going to make an amazing phone that does crazy shit, how about a phone that bakes bread. I rather have bread.

**Note that song is entitled the Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John.**

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Youth Movement

I'm trying to look more youthful, so in public I have stopped eating my vegetables.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Vacation Escape

People usually take vacations to exotic locales, or relaxing locales, or crazy-fun-party locales. What a horribly wrong choice. If you are vacationing you should pick a destination that is worse than where you live. Otherwise when you get home you'll be depressed that 50 weeks out of the year this is your actual life. Sure you can go to Bermuda and relax on the beach for two weeks drinking fruity alcoholic deliciousness. So when you come home you realize your life is rat race to see who can eat the most shit. Or you can travel to Detroit, Michigan in the winter. Save money by squatting in a foreclosed home. When you get back to your own life you sure will be thankful and propbably most eager to head back to work.

Sure you can go on Safari in Africa or you can go to Bangledesh during Monsoon season. Which vacation do you think will make you appreciate the horrible life you have?

Yes, I know that air travel does try to make you wish for home on your back from these fun destinations. What with the having to nearly strip, to late flights, to turbulence and crying children aboard your flight. But does that really make you wish for home or does it make you wish you were back at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage fest feasting on cajun food, listening to world class music, and partying like it's 1999. Skip the jazzfest and the skiing trips and learn to love your actual life next time try travellig to the drug cartel ravaged Mexico.