Lips of Vanity

If I'm travelling to a Central European Country, a place the Slavs settled should I bother bleaching my mustache and/or other body hair? Would they be more likely to think that I'm Czech or Hungarian if the can see dark strands of hair on my upper lip and lower abs? Of course I'd also have to pretend I'm a deaf mute, as I don't speak Czech or Hungarian or German, and I'm sure that would give me away pretty quickly. They also really like beer over there and as they watch my hairy upper lip cringe as I try to down a pint that too would be a clear sign that I may not be from there. But at least for a second they would be confused, and maybe that second is all I'd need to escape some heinous kidnappers looking to hold Americans for ransom. My whole life I've hated my genetic make-up and now I can be grateful for it. That is if I ever go over to Prague or Budhapest or something.

And for all of you who are all offended by me calling Czech woman hairy, shut up! Your offense stems from a US centric view of beauty. You've decided that extra hair is bad and so to bring up that someone or a people may have more hair than let's say a WASP that it is an insult. Well, I find your offense and insult mister. So how do you like them apples? Of course I might be completely wrong about Slavic women having more hair than their North Western European brothers and sisters. In which case I'm an ignorant fool who should stop typing and bleach her mustache and... hell, the rest of her.
I would also like to take this time to talk to Carly Simon.
Ms. Simon, or Carly. Can I call you Carly?
I have trouble understanding your song, "You're so Vain." You seem mad at the subject of the song (rumor has it it's Warren Beaty) because he is so vain that he thinks your song is about him, but the song is about him. So I'm thinking maybe he's not vain at all. Maybe he just knows you because you dated and all, and is self aware about what he's done in the past. Carly, I don't know the man so you would know better than I if he is vain or not. Really he could be the vainest bastard on the planet--though have you dated everyone on the planet? But I'd go with you on top 10% in the world in vainness. However, whether or not he is vain has very little bearing on him thinking the song is about him because like expressed earlier it is indeed about him. The whole song you're bitching about all the shitty things he's done. And good for you. Don't hold that toxic stuff inside and let it fester. Express yourself, and make some money off your pain while you're at it. The rest of us have to pay money for intoxicants or a therapist.

My solution is rerecord the song to "Your so vain/ I had to bitch and sing in a song about you/ your so vain/I had to bitch and sing in a song about you...."

Thank you for your time Carly Carls.


Allison said…
Your offense stems from a US centric view of beauty.

See, that's what I should have told the waxing lady who did my eyebrows last week. She finished them, then she was like, "And the upper lip too, right?" And gave me that look, like I'm Chewbacca or something. Whatever.