I blame my father for my inability to trust men. Yeah. See, when I was 5 years old my Dad told me that a glass of creme soda was rootbeer so that I'd drink it. I didn't believe him as the creme soda wasn't dark brown. But he swore to me SWORE TO ME that it was in fact rootbeer. So I trusted my father and took a sip. Blyick! Not rootbeer like I suspected. Nope. It was disgusting creme soda. I went to the fridge to confirm my suspicions and there in bubble letters read Shoprite Creme Soda. My father couldn't even buy premium creme soda. If my own father can't be trusted to tell me what I'm drinking, how am I to trust a stranger at a bar that says he just wants a one night stand. Suuure he does. Next thing you know this bar fly will be calling me day and night, infringing on my time, trying to move-in to my place. No non-committal sex for me. Thanks a million, pop.

Further why would a parent lie in order to get their kid to consume more soda? Soda is bad for people. It has no nutrional value. Most parents spend their energy trying to keep their young growing children from sugar-- you know to keep their teeth from rotting and bones from decaying. I used to think I was short because of genetics, but now I realize that it was that friggin sip of creme soda my father manipulated me to drink 23 years ago. I could have been a supermodel. Ahh who am I kidding my father would have probably told me that powdered sugar was the cocaine and I would have been too fat to model.


Anonymous said…
Ew...cream soda is fucking disgusting.

You really need to joke about that Carly Simon song, "You're so Vain" because that song IS about him and that's really funny and why haven't I ever heard you do that joke? DO IT.

Today really does sort of suck balls quite a reasonable amount so far.