Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Vienna waits for you--completed


European story time. Yay! In this story we learn how those two characters in the picture to your left ended up in the picture to your left.

Vienna otherwise known as Wien. I still don't understand why we can't all call cities and countries what the people who reside there call them, but I guess that is a blogpost for another time.

I had no real interest going to Vienna. I spent the last couple of weeks prior to my departure trying to convince my travelling companion, Ross (see music links to the right for more info), that we should skip Vienna and just spend more time in Prague and Budapest. Somehow I failed. Though upon reflection I realize that despite the life I lead I actually am an autonomous adult and could have done what I wanted and not been held down by the constraints of "The Man," man. Or at least the constraints of one man. And perhaps they weren't constraints at all but just compromises. Like I'm sure he had little interest in the Jewish Quarter of Prague or the Mid-Evil Synagogue in Budapest but along he came anyway. Crazy thing about the Prague's Jewish quarter--no Jews there anymore. But at least none of Prague's archeticture was destroyed during WWII, that would have been a real travesty. Like in the US it isn't such a shame that barely a tribe person exists, it's not like we have any unpolluted land for them to live on anyway. Wow travelling is really a ray of marvelous warm sunshine, isn't it. Let's get back to the story which holds promises of under age sex.

Turns out Vienna, the least impressive city of the three I visited, wound up being the most fun.
Our first night we went walking around the Ring Strasse where we devoured gelato. I believe it was here I thought of Europe's greatest Catch-22. If the early Europeans had the-where- with-all to make frozen deserts such as gelato they probably wouldn't have been constantly warring and torturing each other. But you don't get freezers without settling lands and you don't settle lands without warfare. Basically, the answer to the question "War what is it good for?" is not "Absolutely nothing" like the hippies orginally thought, but is actually gelato. As much as I am a fan of gelato I don't know if the ends justify the means. They might, but I'm not sure.

Again we've been sidetracked by thousands of years of history.

After filling our bodies with saturated fat and calories galore we continued our exploration of downtown Vienna. Then the Lord began to piss on the city as if he was on a bender with Zeus and the boys. Luckily the Lord's waste contains mostly water with only a touch of acid. Ross and I ducked into a quaint little coffee shop. OK it was a Starbucks and not quaint. In our defense, though, we needed to stay dry and we never ordered a thing. Not only that but my nose was running and I used my sleeve as to avoid using one of their napkins. OK my nose wasn't running but if it had been I promise you I would not have used their napkins. You know what? Why don't you just shut up, I don't have to explain myself to you. The Hungarians wouldn't have had glorious thermal baths if the Turks hadn't invaded Hungary (which I enjoyed calling Hungaria just to piss Ross off.) and you know what I partook in those baths, and so would have you. And couldn't one say that the Turks were trying to homogenize the world in 13th century? It looks like you're no better than me. So, yeah I went to Europe and I went into a starbucks. Fucking shoot me.

Thanks for not shooting me. I got a little carried away in the above paragraph. I blame the jet lag. And you're right, Starbucks is hardly a thermal bath, but nonetheless we were in one drying off, looking through our Time Out guide to Vienna, and trying to find a something to do with the rest of our evening. We decided that we would try to find this club Flex because Kruder and Dorfemeister frequently spin there, Sweet! Then Ross eyes two females at a table near us. "I'll go ask those girls if they know about this club and where it is." I respond with "Go get'em, Sparky." I think to myself at least these are somewhat attractive. Prior to Austria I had to listen to Ross tell me how hot the girls of Prague were. The problem with this is that they weren't necessarily hot. Frequently, girls he pointed out to me as hot were merely cute and the cute one's were not even attractive. Now, usually a man's bad taste in women wouldn't bother me except that many moons ago I dated this fucker. So with every average to below average looking chick he describes as "HOTTTT!" my ego takes a chipping to. Look, I never deluded myself into thinking I was a head turner but I had developed some delusions that I may actually be somewhat cute. Well, by day four of our trip I my feet traversed the harsh world of reality once again.

So Ross goes over to these two thin, well groomed, symemtrically featured ladies and inquires about Flex. I think he won't get anywhere with them because they've already seen us conversing and would assume we are together. We have this problem throughout our trip. At one hostel we try telling the other guests we are cousins. I don't know that anyone bought the story as he is a tall Aryan looking fellow and am short and Jewy looking. And maybe some hostelers bought the story but probably thought we were together anyway--which is worse. Who knows what story he has told the Austrian girls in the Starbucks as I stayed out of the way trying not to cockblock. Ross looks over to me at some point and tells me the girls say we don't want to go to Flex. I ask them why?
"Ah der is a lot of drugs." OK.
"And der is a lot of yunger people deir. Da musik is loud. Drink many Euro. Ahh, you too old." I began to laugh. 32 year old Ross' face contorts. "We're not that old" his crushed ego whines. Turns out the girls are 17. Ross, still has a shot. According to the Time Out guide book the age of consent is 14 years old in Austria. Who knew Thailand had such influence in Europe.

These girls had no interest in my old man companion but were sweet nonetheless. They took us to a bar with live music with an "older crowd." They even convinced the dude at the door to let us in for free. After Ross and I decided we were happy to stay and listen to Bulgarian Folk music they girls bolted. I imagine they had Pre-Calc homework to finish before morning. I'm just thankful these two 110 pound teenaged girls didn't mug us and leave us for dead.

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