Mother's Day Was Two Days Ago

So if the stand-up comedy doesn't work out. First off I don't even know what I mean by that. The stand-up comedy worked out years ago when I lived in the Pacific Northwest and my open mic status got me free drinks, free entrance into rock and roll venues and write-ups in the local weekly. Since then I have gotten funnier, the perks have gotten fewer, and the audiences have gotten smaller. So what I'm saying is since the stand-up comedy is no longer working out I think I'm going to try to find fullfillment in the greeting card industry. Below please find what I wrote my mom on the inside of the Mother's Day card (a card I bought right in front of her on Mother's Day. I then filled it out in the back seat of the car after we left the store which I bought it. And when I write that I bought it I mean I placed it on the conveyor belt with the things my father was purchasing and then let him pay for it all--hey, I got to be me people).

To Mom,

Hey I have to tell you that Rick Springfield is not from NJ. I know it wasn't your idea orginally to suggest such a thing it was in fact your mother's idea. I think she Rick Springfield with Bruce Springstein. Props to your 91 year old mother for even knowing who Bruce Springstein is. Unfortunately, you are both wrong. When grandma suggested it just a moment ago and then you supported her statement it sounded wrong to me. So I looked it up on on my "smart phone." Turns out Rick is from Australia. This was a shock to me as well. Now, I didn't want to correct you but your son Stephen told me I had to. I thought there was no harm in letting you guys think what you will of the eighties pop star, because let's face it you both won't remember ever having said it, but your son Stephen. Well, your prized child is such a perfectionist, as gay men tend to be, that he felt you should be properly informed on your 80s pop culture. He said, "You never know when Mom or Grandma might be selected to be on a game show or hail the Cash Cab." Oh did you not know your favorite child was gay? I hope that isn't upsetting news. I mean I'm engaged and everything because I just want you to be happy that's why I didn't want to press this Rick Springfield issue. It was all Stephen's idea. Why you have to win a game show for him to love you I'll never know. I love you for who you are incorrect trivia knowledge and all. I told Stephen I wasn't going to put the info in about Rick Springfield. That it was stupid to include on a mother's day card. But then he gave me an indian burn. Yes, this 35 year old man gave me an indian burn and when I still wouldn't comply he began flicking lit cigarette butts at me. I had no choice. That's right Stephen Smokes. The whole ordeal has just proven Stephen right in his politics. Apparently, he was right to believe that torture is an effective method of intergation or in this case getting his younger, real-live sister to do his bidding; and, that congresss is just made -up of a bunch of pussies. His word not mine, mom.

So Happy Mother's Day Mom, from your engaged daughter on her way to a fruitfull career in greeting cards and your gay, torture-loving, cigarette smoking son.

I think this might be a top selling card next year.