PBS-- Public Menace Broadcasting System

Today I call you to arms. We must storm the offices of PBS and destroy them! I had plans to wake up early today and get my to do list done. Item one: Eat breakfast. It is now 11:45am by the time my pancakes heat up it'll be noon and that's not breakfast! Shattering the very idea of a to do list. If I can't even get breakfast I might as well give up now. God Damn you PBS. How do they expect me to sleep when they produce such horrifying programs? Monday night as I flipped through the seven broadcast channels we have I ran across a documentary on the Donnar Party. What lesson can possibly be learned from their tale of woe? Can't we just let it lie? We have cell phone nows. Not to mention cars. I'll tell ya, I don't need to know Mrs. Garvey had her husband die in her arms and then later that evening saw his heart roasting over an open flame! What were those people doing? I'm all wigged out. I can't even begin to start on item four on my list--Shower. Isn't a clean body a more delicious body? And that's just my luck the day I shower is the day I get trapped in a subway car for four months.

I beg of you avenge me! Burn PBS' offices now before you are the next victims of their obscene programming. Who knows they could rerun their documentary on Harry Truman. You don't want to see it. I've seen it and look what it's done to me. Do you think you'll be able to sleep knowing a regular old Mid-westerner who was a failure until the age of 50 could grow up to nuke people? How unsettling. I sleep much better knowing only the rich and powerful grow up to nuke people. They're rich and powerful they know when a nuclear holocoast is called for. If they weren't wise and all knowing how could they amass such wealth and power. But Truman! Just thinking about it messes with my psyche. How can I be expected to accomplish item 2 -- straighten up my room -- when some child in Dekalb is currently studying really hard so he can get a scholarship, become president and then start a nuclear war?

I'm meeting in Times Square at 1pm, when I should be crossing off item 7 -- take a nap-- to take on PBS. WHO's WITH ME!!!


Don't you hate when you're trying to throw a coup and no one shows up?

I HATE that.