Thursday, April 30, 2009

Is the Band Playing? Because the Titanic is Sinking

Hipsters* must be in ironic bliss with the arrival of the Swine Flu (Recently rebranded H1N1 virus, as to not offend pig farmers and those who don't eat pork. I think they should haver renamed it Swine Toflu or Swine Toflutie but the CDC never asks for my opinions on these matters.). Just when we thought our demise would come in 20-40 years from global warming related destruction turns out the human race is going down in the blaze of glory known as Swine Flu (H1Ni virus) and we're doing this May.

And you all though the Christian right didn't have a clue thinking global warming was a load a crap. You thought Monsanto and Dow chemical were lying about pollution not being a problem. Turns out it was the Museum of Natural History and their crazy notion we're going to run out of drinkable water in 50 years that was driving the looney train.

It's been a nice ride. I would have loved to see Machu Pichu. I guess I should have planned better.

*Hipster: Human person usually found living in urban areas. The males tend to be quite skinny. Both male and females seem to feed on irony. They dress ironically; watch tv ironically; and, converse to one another ironically. However, they listen to music like elitists and are always on the look out for the most obscure, independent, rock and roll band. Their favorite emotions are ennui and boredom. Most hipster are in their 20s though some can be found in high schools and some are as old as 48 years old. A large percentage of them are thought to have trust funds, but an accurate percentage can not be calculated due to the fact almost none of them will admit to it. Whether they have a trust fund or not most claim to earn a living in the graphic design industry.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

10 Cent Word and Indie Rock Song Equal Ungettable Parody

I've written a song parody that very few will appreciate.

It's to the tune of Sugar's "Helpless" My version is called "Feckless." I've included the video for the song so you can all sing along at home.


You always fail time after time
You know you act so feckless, I
Am at a loss. Jump start your mind
Try fish oil suppliments, yeah

Sometimes I've got to tell you
Is it this time I'll tell you
Your lack of competence
Is driving me utterly crazy

A stubbed toe a broken nose
You fall down walk into walls
You can't pay your rent or put on your clothes
You're life is such a mess

I have tried to help you
But you are oh so feckless
There is nothing more I can do
Maybe you're just very special

A lost job and a towed car
Can you be more feckless? I
Don't see you getting very far
You are oh so feckless. I
Waste my time on your so feckless. I
So so feckless. I

You're left alone with something
It breaks within thirteen minutes
Don't have a baby, baby
Keep those genes tucked and hid away

A stubbed toe a broken nose
You fall down and walk into walls
Can't pay your rent or buy new clothes
Your life is such mess

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Granted it's Similar to the Frowning Joke. But Meaner

Yesterday I was told that, "Anger takes so much energy." To which I replied, "Yeah, well some of us are in good enough shape to handle anger. Maybe next time you're on the eliptical at your gym you can set it to angry get yourself a good, hard work out."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mom's Seen The Light and I don't Look Good In It

I know my mother has given up on me. She looks at me and sees a life long temp living paycheck to paycheck. Mom, didn't come out and say "I know you're going nowhere and I've come to terms with it." My mom is much more subtle. Instead, she said, "Hey, you know I think you should spend more quality time with your aunt. You guys should get to know each other better. You know you're aunt doesn't have any children of her own?"
"Yes, mother I know your older sister has no children, I've known the women 31 years."
"I'm just mentioning that because it's something you two have in common. Something you can discuss as you make in roads into her good graces. You know she's your godmother?"
"Yes, I know that."
"Good, make sure you remind her constantly. Oh and Rachael, make sure she comes out and sees your comedy act. Playing on a person's heart strings can be a very effective strategy."
"Mom, I'm very funny."
"I know dear, but no one comes to the shows anyway."
"Quality time with your sister it is."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Female Medicine Not as Well Funded

Apparently the patriarchal, medical establishment once again has failed us women. Did anyone ever think to research the causes of women's facial hair growth? Could be perhaps that these women are dating or married to balding men who are using Rogaine? These men are rubbing their heads on the faces of their women and traces of the Rogaine are finding their way onto women's skin. Next thing you know we've got a facial hair or two. And even if there isn't head to face contact there definitely is head to pillow, pillow to face contact. Rogaine is everywhere and we women are suffering.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Great New Game to Play with Roommates and Live-In Partners

The best part of moving-in with a spouse or person you're dating is getting to play "Let's try to diagnose the mental disorder." A game that you can't play when you're merely dating someone there isn't enough time together in a person's habitat. Don't worry single people can play it too, provided they have roommates. The more roommates the more hours of enjoyment you can spend google searching symptoms like: "Chronic key loss," "Dish cleaning phobia," "Enjoys starting home improvement projects he'll never finish," or "Randomly screams alone in the middle of the night." Then you get to read the diagnosis on Web MD: "Adult ADD/ disorganization disorder," "You're roommate probably did grow up in barn without running water or plates, " or "Paranoid Schizophrenic."

The game is so fun I think that's why Mormons are into polygamy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Faster than a Speeding Bullet more Influential than Oprah

Uh Oh Oprah, it looks like someone is cutting on your share of world influence. Hugo Chavez has started his own book club he's calling "The Chavez Petroleum Book Club." Though, Chavez's book club has far less titles to recommend to readers his book club seems 20 times more influential than the Chicago talk show hosts.

Dana Lason of Brooklyn thinks, "It's the low numbers of books he recommends that keeps his book club realistic. Everyone can afford to buy a book once a decade. I mean even my struggling actor friends in Queens can afford a book once in awhile." Gail May of Pittsburgh adds, "10 or 20 years is ample amount of time for me to finish a book. Oprah makes it so hard with books every month to read. How can I read a book in a month? My life is hectic. I have three grade school kids to run all over town, not mention my Jewelry making business"

It seems people all over the world are ditching Oprah's book club for the less cheery and hopeful, but more logistically practical book club of Chavez. Though, some interviewed have switched to Hugo Chavez merely because he goes by his last name which to them seems less arrogant than Oprah Winfery going by her first name.

Some close to Oprah fear she may use her billions to support a Coup in Venezuela to over throw Chavez so that she can dominate the book club market once again. There has been no word if President Obama will try to negotiate peace between the two parties. President Obama does have books in his personal library from both book club lists but it seems he hasn’t read any of them yet.

Friday, April 17, 2009

It's A New Day

Yesterday was opening day for the new Yankee Stadium. People made a big deal about the old stadium closing and now this one opening. I had been to the old Yankee Stadium a number of times in my 31 years on this planet though the days might have been memorable the building itself wasn't. It was a big concrete edifice gray and bland on the inside with dirty seats that looked out onto a lawn. I grew up in the suburbs I've seen plenty of lawns.

But the games themselves were memorable. I saw the one-handed pitcher, Jim Abbot, pitch a no hitter against the Indians. I remember going to a game with dad's army buddy's family from DeKalb, IL. The middle child 13 year old who played the French Horn informed me in a horrified tone that my college colors were the colors of the gays. "Maybe in DeKalb, kid but in the Northeast they use a rainbow, similar to the one coming out the unicorn's ass you have there on your sweatshirt." At 9 years old I took Lisa N. to a Red Sox game, before she was my arch-nemesis hoping to win her favor and enjoy social life san strife and ridicule. But, much like that game had the stands filled with Red Sox fans (because Yankee fans couldn't be bothered to show up) the people in my metaphorical stands were not my fans either. And who could forget the game I didn't get to go to two years ago? Security wouldn't allow my two male friends in to the stadium because they were carrying backpack type bags. You know like everyone in NYC does because we have no cars to leave or shit in. Because the subway ride to the Bronx is long and we need reading material or music playback device to pass the time, or, of course, perhaps you've come from work and are carrying your laptop. Don't worry women were allowed in to the stadium with a personal carry-on item. If only there I wonder if the new stadium has the same sexist policy or if the Yankees will enforce their anti-New Yorker policy equally to both sexes.

My point is I'm a Yankees fan, but I'm not a fan of the stadiums. My memories could have happened in any structure that allows people to sit together and watch baseball. Stadiums in general are not usually architectural marvels. They're not like the Chrysler Building or the Guggenheim Museum. Stadium are big and oafish. They block out the sun for the residents surrounding and chop up a neighborhood all at the expense of the tax payer. (Where are the Tea Parties when new stadiums are erected?)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

If Germany Thinks Your Evil You're Probably Evil

Yesterday Germany would not approve the use of genetically-modified, farm products (seeds and what not)to be used in German agriculture. Basically, the Germans have banned the use of most Monsanto products. I guess that's how evil Monsanto is that the Germans don't even have the stomach for them.

in unrelated news check out this video

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Somewhere on the Internet I read

Why is it always the women who have to change? I read some article on MSN or Slate. The article tried to figure out why women stayed with abusive husbands or boyfriends. The article stated that the violent men are never cured of their violence. Once violent always violent despite any and all efforts of the psychiatric community (I'm assuming they are excluding sedation as a method). Well I say if he can't change then why should the woman have to change? She's in love with violent man maybe there is no cure for that (barring sedation).

Oh and another thing to answer the article's question "Why do women stay with their abusers?" Because the women love these men.

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Power of Love is Transformational

For decades--perhaps centuries--pop culture has been telling us that women and men are so different. Women ask unanswerable questions like, "Do I look fat in this outfit?" and Men love flipping through channels and having sex. First, can we just take a second and ask if any man is in a relationship with a skinny or fit woman? I mean, it's not hard to answer, "no" if she doesn't look fat and if she isn't. Because if men are only in relationships with fat women then why are all those gals starving themselves for.

I digress.

As you can see I never really bought into the notion that women and men are so different. I never identified with the characteristics that were being ascribed to women. I didn't nag. I didn't care about how much money a dude made. And all my male friends (granted most of them I knew from Art College) didn't seem to fit those macho stereo-types. And then I moved in with a man in a romantic sort of way. I've had male roommates before but this was different. And within two months I had been transformed into my mother. Living with a man your dating make you your mother. I went from a non-intrusive laise-faire kind of person to a nagging and demanding woman and of course like a woman, I blame him.

I went from saying things like, "Yeah let's eat there that sounds fine" to "Why can't you put your clothes away." From "Let's stay in and watch a movie, that'll be fun" to "Are you ever going to finish that book shelf/entertainment center you're building? The living room is a mess. This is totally unfair."

The only benefit of living with a man you're dating is saving on rent.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I've Solved All Our Problems

It started out with me wanting to ban dating for people under 18 years of age. I figure dating is as unhealthy for interpersonal relationships between men and women as cigarette smoking is for our lungs. Immature boys and girls date one another and treat each other badly because of their immaturity and out of control hormones making them act irrationally. What happens that humans enter adulthood with tons of baggage regarding the opposite sex. There's a lot of mistrust and hatred of women by men and men by women. I figured I'd put a stop to that by supporting legislation that bans dating for those under 18 years of age.

My fiance James pointed out that, though a ban on underage dating is a good start, there is still the problem of the psychological scarring that our parents inflict on us.

And that's when genius struck. All human babies will be given to wolves to raise. The question of what will the new generation do about language arose. I answer that concern with, "Nothing." The new generation of Humans will be adept at communicating like a wolf. The new generation will be the Wolf-People Generation a loving unscarred generation of co-operative hunters. The added bonus is that wolves don't know how to bank.

WOLF-PEOPLE get on board.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Don't Talk to Strangers...Unless You Want to Marry

How many times have you heard someone give the execuse for not dating a friend as, "I don't want the sex to ruin the friendship?"

Really? Are you that bad at sex that years of friendship would crumble under your sexual incompetence? If that's the case perhaps you shouldn't date anyone, and take the time you'd use for dates and courting to study up on proper sexual technique.

Of course I get it if you're really not into your friend romantically and you're just throwing out the "I don't want to ruin the friendship" thing to spare your friend's feelings. However, I have to ask all of you what are you expecting from your romantic relationships? Why would you pass up someone you've known for years, that you get along with, that knows all about you and you him or her and yet you still want to spend time together?

No you all rather get yourself an online personals profile where you have to write an essay on why you're worthy of dating and then sift through other people's essays. You're going to spend your time reading these self involved online prose (that haven't been edited by a professional) when you haven't read Moby Dick yet. All so you can have awkward drinks or miserable dinner or with some stranger who may or may not have a criminal record. Your friends might have criminial records but you know all about that because you were there at the bar fight when he got arrested. Those type of shared memories is what bonds you.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Not Everyone Retires to Miami Beach

I know many of you out there have been greiving for the AIG executives who have been targetted by the government and small-minded, American rage. These poor men and women who accidently ran their company and the country into the ground. Who hasn't crashed a car? And when the rest of us have that accident aren't we allowed to get another car? Even if we drove our car into the capital building which caused the building to burst into flames. Will anyone take a stand for these AIG executives?

Yes. Well. not a stand. But other financial executives will bitch about the unfairness facing these AIG people. In financial offices around NYC lolely temps can hear other best and the brightest complain about how it's unfair these people have to pay back our bonuses. And gripe that, "We live in a land of laws and contracts." Here! Here! Finally smart people are saying something even if it's only inside the walls of their offices.

Now, not to rain on anyone's parade here, but does it matter that AIG executives had a contract with AIG prior to the government bailout. I am just an uneducated little person who can't grasp the complicated world of finance and how legitimate it all really is. However, I remember reading about Bill Parcels and his contract with the Miami Dolphins. You see Bill Parcels is one of the best and the brightest in football. The owner of the Miami Dolphins hired him to be the General Manager of his 1-15 football team. The following season after Parcels general managing the team went to the playoffs. Parcels' contract was for several years, however, the current owner of the Dolphins was contemplating selling the team. If the sale went through then Bill Parcels would not be obligated to to remain the General Manager of the Miami Dolphins. Yes, his contract would no longer be binding.

So my question is, now that I and all my friends own a majority stake in AIG why are the contracts that I did not negotiate with the workers still valid? If football guru Bill Parcels doesn't have to honor his contract once new management comes in why do the AIG executives have to.

Free the AIG executives from their bonuses. Don't make them stay on with new management. They hate their new management anyway.

Monday, April 06, 2009

That Family from Guttenberg, Living in fear in the Suburbs

I fear. I’m really good at it too. Now, I don’t know if it’s genetic or learned, but I do know my family feared before I came on the scene. Today, as I trained for my latest temp assignment I was reminded of my grandmother’s fear of lightning and how she scared the shit out of me as a kid.

This morning I sat at the reception desk of some financial company with a permanent executive assistant who was showing me the ropes. In the middle of my learning to transfer calls the woman hops from the desk and exclaims, “Did you see that flash of light? Was that lightning? I love lightning I’m a lightning nut.” Then she proceeded to usher me to the window to see if we could get an up close view of another strike. This was not how I was raised.

20 something years ago, I found myself a child and staying at my grandparents’ house. It was just me and Nana. I don’t know where my grandfather was; perhaps he was out gambling or something. All of a sudden a storm crashed through the night. Lightning, thunder, and torrential rains blew in. As a child I felt somewhat afraid, but not nearly as afraid I was I was going to feel. In times like these, where danger and chaos seem to be present children usually look to the adult in the room for reassurance. This evening was no different. And I was reassured. I was reassured that I was going to die that night.

My grandmother hurried us both to the upstairs hallway. She then closed the three bedroom doors and one bathroom door that surrounded the rectangular landing at the top of the carpeted stairs. This way we couldn’t see the lightning. Then she curled up in a fetal position and had me do the same. There we were a 6 year old and 60 year old hiding from the sight of lightning. Unfortunately, we could not hide from the sound of the thunder. Every time it rumbled Nana made a vocal start. Not a scream as much as a “OOoo. Ahhh.” A similar noise to the one she made when being driven in the car and another car would appear on the road. We were to die that night.

The storm passed on through and somehow not one bolt of lightning struck through the house. And the house remained intact despite the sonic thunder. We lived. I don’t know how. But I have forever taken with me that night the ability to be scared shitless by things that probably won’t hurt me.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Soy: I am.

I know a vegan. A friend of mine suggested that the vegan I know is gay. I said,
"I don't think so he has a girlfriend."
"Ahhh that doesn't mean anything." Said my friend. "No, I think he's straight. I think what you're picking up on is the soy."
"Yeah, he's a vegan. Therefore he eats a lot of soy and soy is natural estrogen. He's probably a little effete because he's got all this soy estrogen in his body."

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

It's a God Damn Miracle!

Last night the most amazing thing happened to me. I headed out to Jersey City to perform at Melissa Surach's show "Babyhole." I had performed at her show before and was happy to but didn't think much of it. Well, since the last time I headed out there she had changed venue. It was once held at some loft space on Christopher Columbus Avenue and now it's held at a neighborhood bar. It's an important detail because the loft space was only patronized by Jersey City artists and musicians in the know where as the bar's patrons are anyone who stops in to see what the neon lights are all about.

I did my 15 minute set to warm, attentive laughter to the 15-20 people in the bar. It was a lovely mix of new and old material that flowed seamlessly from one bit to the next. After my set a fellow comes up to me and says, "Great set. Can I buy you a drink."
"Thanks. Actually, I'm not drinking right now due to intestinal problems."
"Yeah. As hard as it is for me to turn down a gifted a drink I'm trying to be an adult and not live in the moment but think about the future."
"Ha. Can I buy you a glass of water? And we can talk about your future."

At first I thought he was trying to hit on me. Which is awesome. Not only did my set go well but now someone thinks I'm hot or at least bedable.

Unfortunately, for my feminine ego he was not after me for sex. He was however, interested in developing a web series for me on He works for HBO development and he's in charge of a new web project they're working on to provide exclusive web content for people who already subscribe to HBO the channel.Then might for a reduced fee offer the web channel to people who don't get HBO normally, but the content will be different. Get this, not only is exposure for what I do.They're going to pay me money. Not just drink tickets. Like thousands of dollars in money. All because his cousin, who lives in Jersey City, was dumped by his girlfriend and devastated. Mark (HBO executive) hustled out to JC to console his cousin with drinks at the local watering hole. Neither of them expecting to find themselves in the middle of a music and comedy show.

Can you believe it?