Today I’d like to explain to you the real reason humans couple off. People will tell you that humans marry and/or cohabitate because they want to reproduce or for the companionship. This is a fallacy. The reason people get married and cohabitate is to save money on the electric bill and perhaps rent.

Humans are instinctually afraid of the dark. In the dark our sense of sight is severely diminished making us more vulnerable to a possible tiger attack or a murderous rapist. Tigers and murderous rapist have much better night vision, so the dark gives them the upper hand. That’s why we invented fire. Fire provides light in the darkness. Tigers, like Frankenstein’s monster, are afraid of fire, but I think for different reasons. The tigers and mad scientists see that we can see and know that they can’t sneak up on us now and eat us. If we can see the tiger or the night stalker than we can shoot them. Humans are good at shooting things, and tigers and other large predators know this.

Uneasy about the large animals of pray how are we to sleep as sleep requires relaxation in order to occur. How can you relax if you fear you’re going to be eaten or murdered? That is why we sleep with the fire on in order to trick the tigers and monsters-in-our- closet into thinking we are awake and ready to shoot them. Knowing that our predators are tricked relaxes us and allows us the sleep we desperately need. The only problem is that we can’t sleep with the fire on because fire is like tigers if left unattended will devour us. That is why humans created electricity and the light bulb. (OK, Thomas Edison created the light bulb, but was he not a human?) Unfortunately, light bulbs running on electricity cost money. Not all of us have the money to pay to keep a light bulb burning constantly.

If you can’t afford an expensive electric bill there is only one other thing you can do. Find a bed partner, otherwise known as a spouse or domestic partner. Having someone you trust, not to kill you in your sleep, in bed with you during the dark hours of the day gives you a false sense of security that you need to relax and sleep. The irrational thoughts are as follows:

1. If a night stalker or tiger stalks his/her way into your abode he/she will hopefully see your spouse first and therefore kill your spouse first. Hopefully, the murder of your spouse will leave the night stalker exhausted and he/she will leave you be. Of course then you wind up alone, but with a hefty insurance settlement or at least Social Security check to help pay your expensive electric bill.

2. Your partner is a light sleeper and a loud screamer. When the large predator comes into your room the slightest noise will awake your spouse who will scream walking you up, so you can put the light on and shout the predator.

3. Your spouse will defend you from the people who have been hiding under your bed since you were a child.

Of course none of the above are true but it’s not the truth that matters as much as your ability to delude yourself into relaxing so you can sleep. And sleeping with a bed partner is a sleep you can afford.


anidea said…
Apparently the #1 cause of happiness is having a partner in life (not clear whether marriage is required or cohabitation is sufficient).

One of the false senses of happiness is having children. Apparently they actually cause more misery than we imagine.

I saw this on Jon Stewart or the other guy after him (you can look it up on the comedy central website, it was some time in June), and since it was on the news, I know it's for real.