Why Am I Not Getting Offers to Make Commencement Speeches?

A couple of weeks ago one of the top emailed articles for the NY Times was entitled “More advice College Graduates Don’t Want to Hear” by Damon Darlin. Darlin encouraged just graduated 20somethings to start saving money. The author stated that if these kids cut back on buying lattes and other extravagances they could afford to put 10% of their income into a 401K. The funds in the 401k should grow to about $500,00.00 by the time these young people were ready to retire. I disagree completely with Darlin.

My advice to recent grads is: Why bother? Don’t save your money for a future you’re never going to see. I heard on NPR the other day that the Orangutan will be extinct any day now along this came right before I read an Time article of how common birds like the sparrow are nearing extinction. And let’s not forget the world’s fish supply probably won’t last another 40 years. Oh and of course the ever rising tides and temperature of planet Earth. Dudes, they just re-opened a nuclear reactor in Georgia a month ago. Where are they going to put all the nuclear waste it produces? Under your apartment building that’s where. People who glow don’t need a 401K because they’re magical.

Young graduates, it’s going to be hard to $500,000.00 when money has no value. When the world goes completely to pot and the race war or class war or gender war or species war or the computers finally take over it won’t matter how much money you save. If you want to do something for your future don’t bother saving money start training. Get your body in tip top shape. Train your reflexes to be lightning fast. Build up immunity to whatever it is floating in the East River. Learn to live on 300 calories a day. And in the meantime live it up.


Allison said…
It's so annoying to me when financial experts act like we're flushing our money away on "lattes." Up theirs. Most 20somethings I know, their biggest "luxury" is rent or health insurance.

Yikes, that was shrill. I don't know where that came from; I'm actually having a great day.
Paige said…
Is this U.S. Georgia or European Georgia that has a new nuclear reactor? Thank you!