Monday, November 26, 2007

I Know About Girl Things

Beauty Tip:

New York City is truly a multi-cultural melting pot. It's fantabulous that over 8 million of us from all over the world can live angry, violent harmony in one single city. It really is beautiful. There is only major drawback from all the peoples of the world mating with each other on a tiny island, we all kind of look alike in New York City. Alright not all of us, but a large number of the ladies here in NYC are under 5” 7’ with dark, curly, brown hair and a somewhat olive to tan to splotchy skin tone. So how does the single NYC lady go about distinguishing herself form the pack to snag herself a fella?

There are a couple things the short, curly-haired, brunette mutt can do to grab the attention of a single guy.

If everyone else is a brunette try a wig. You’re going to want a wig that screams “Look at Me!” Government people have had luck getting people to notice signs and what not with bright orange, though bright red works too, and let’s not forget purple is the color of royalty. Hell, why choose. Why not get a wig with all the colors of the rainbow. What sets you apart more and yet symbolizes the great diversity of New York City better than a rainbow wig? Bright colors say, “Hi, I’m fun.” Men love a girl who “likes to have a good time.” Remember that the bigger your wig the more attention it will attract and the taller you’ll seem.

Since you are NYC gal you’re probably 5ft 3inches and blend in pretty well in China Town. Unfortunately, that'll never do. It’s time you get yourself some stilts so you can look like a supermodel, tall with sticks for legs. Not only will you turn the heads of all the men at the bar you’ll probably nab yourself a promotion. Why climb the corporate ladder when you can be the corporate ladder? We all know people prefer tall people to be in power. Let’s put it this way what’s the difference between a regular old Jew and an Israeli? Answer: about 6 inches (in height get your mind out of the gutter). And whom are you more afraid of a regular Jew or an Israeli? Stilts will have you feeling powerful which means you’ll be walking around this city with confidence. Men love a woman with confidence and so do employers.

Now it's time to accesorize. You'll see most ladies walking around this town with gold, silver or diamonds dangling from appendages. In a city where tall buildings block out the sun most of the day who can see any that expensive jewlery? Where something that the men can see and appreciate--glow sticks. Glow sticks are larger than the average piece of jewelry, plus they glow. You can be missed if your glowing. That's what all the cosmetic commercials say. Glowing makes you seem supernatural like a sci-fi film. You know how men love science fiction?

Now, if you can’t afford to go out and buy yourself a new outfit there is something you can do that is very affordable and all natural. Cultivate your own smell. Stop throwing your money away on deodorants, scented moisturizers and soap. These products are mass produced and make you smell like every other lady that you look just like. Your sweat carries pheromones and those pheromones attract the male of the species. Make sure you get to the gym regularly and do not ruin your sexiness with showering and body spray. Walk down to the financial district stand up wind at lunchtime and well…just be careful none of those investment bankers tackles you. A man in heat can be a little dangerous.

Well, my diminutive dark-haired sisters go out there and get yourself a man!

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