Monday, January 05, 2009

Beautiful Dream

Have you ever found yourself so pissed a friend that you want never to associate with the person again? You're filled with rage and dissappointement and you don't see the point of continuing the friendship? So there you are in your bedroom ready to delete this friend from all your online life as a symbolic gesture of how out of your real life he/she is and then you find you can't do it. Because this long time friend is prominently featured in your funeral fantasy and you can't have your funeral fantasy wouldn't be the same without the person.

"Funeral fantasy, Rachael?"

Yes, the funeral fantasy. The scenario of how your funeral would go. For me I die in the prime of my life because it's much more tragic that way. I'm like 35 and dead. Everyone is inconsolably sad. Though, there are spatters of laughter as people remember something hysterically funny I've said, done, or they're conjecturing what I might have said in this situation.

The hall where my body lies in a casket is grand and wooden, but it's not a church or a religious venue. As people are finding seats in meekly walks an exboyfriend or an arch nemesis. And my friend (the one that I want from my life) sees the enemy at the door and tells him off, "Now! Now you show up? Where were you when she was alive? What you want to be part of the drama and tragedy so you can be pitied for having an old girlfriend die so young. Get out of here!" And then my friend takes the podium and gives a moving and humorous speech about how even my faults were really personality attributes. Like how my constantly wanting to write people out of my life "Just made us all better people and better friends. She demanded the best from herself and from all of us." The crowd weeps and shakes their heads knowingly.

And now that beautiful fantasy is shot to shit because some people suck and can't cut the muster in reality. I have no one to defend my honor in death. What kind of life is that to live? To know pity seeking exes will roam free through my funeral, not to mention who is going to edit all my writing and do all the work I never did in life with my own writings so that stuff finally gets published?

People are just so selfish.

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