A List and Then A Sports Metaphor

As we find ourselves in the midst of tennis season I bring to you a metaphor. But first a list.

There are varying ways to get what you want.

a) You can sit in a darkened room with a bottle of scotch waiting drunkenly for what you want to appear at your bedroom door. I don't know if this ever works, but at least your drunk and sitting down. Though, if what you want does appear let's hope you haven't passed out and missed it.

b) You can pray to a higher being. The only problem with this method is that higher beings work in mysterious ways and they think they know best. So either they give you what you want, but don't tell you where it is, and therefore don't know where it is; or, they think what you want is bad for you and give you something else like an severed limb and a swim team to coach.

b2) You can wish. This is very similar to option "B,"praying, except instead of making sacrifices you just wish for what you want on eye lashes, pennies, or when all the digits of the clock show the same number. Sometimes this works, but only if what you want is really easy to get anyway, like wanting a chocolate chip mint ice cream on a sugar cone.

c)You can arm yourself and demand what you want from the people or persons who have it. This method is employed by organized criminals, disorganized criminals, governments, terrorist organization (see governments), and armed robbers. This is an effective method as long as the person who has what you want is not armed with bigger and better equipment. However, this usually doesn't work at all if what you want is your amorous and/or affectionate feelings reciprocated in either a romantic or platonic relationship.
*side note: Right now i'm having drama and difficulty with a platonic friend. Which really pisses me off. Worrying about her and our relationship is taking up valueable time I could be worrying about boys.

Which brings us to option "d" and the metaphor.

d) You can put the ball in their court. You can pick up a racket and serve over your intentions, your wants, or your desires over into someone else's court. Then it's their turn. You've done all you can do. You've asked for what you want. Eek! Just when you thought tennis was for wusses all of sudden we place upon it direct and honest communication and BAM! Tennis becomes more frientening than if you were Joe Theisman and you saw Lawerence Taylor coming to get you.*

The other problem with putting the ball in their court is it takes patience. You toss the ball over there and now you just wait for it to be returned. You could be sitting on the lonley, green, hard- top for decades, and unlike option "a" drinking scotch, it's not a comfy place to sit. You're out in the elements. Further, they may never return to their court to return serve. But you don't know that for sure. If you leave your court you could miss it. People will tell you to go play tennis with someone else. Why? Someone else is just as likely to leave the court. And you can spend your whole life roaming from court to court putting the ball in other people's court. Can you run out of balls in a life time? Can you buy more at the Sports Authority?

Sometimes you might think you see them over there in their court, but your not sure because you have really shitty night vision from your lasik surgery. So do you go over to their court pick up the ball and hit it back over the net, again? And if so how many times do you do that? Or what if your vision is fine but theirs is awful and they don't see that you've hit a ball into their court? Some people are blinded by their emotional stupidity.

Or what if you put the ball in thier court and they are there in their court? They return your serve and then you return their return serve. Now you're volleying intentions. When do you walk off the court together hand-in-hand happy that you've both chosen option "d" and have now gotten what you want? God, you're right, people tennis does suck. I don't care how cute James Blake is.

*In the 1980s Lawerence Taylor broke Joe Theisman's leg whilst they played the game of American football.


Nina Paley said…
That's a good list. I want to correct the typos and pass it on.
rachael said…
I believe I've fixed many of the typos. I'm sure I still missed a few. However, this post is definitely more comprehendable.