Monday, July 03, 2006

Text Message Mystery

A couple of weeks ago as I sat in an East Village eatery with some cronies I felt a buzzing. Turned out to be my phone alerting me to a text message. I received a text message from a person on AOL instant messanger, user name AngelsLifeFree. I have no idea what that means either. Nor do I know anyone by that name or handle. I don't associate with Angels. I don't associate with people who need freeing from Angels. I don't know any Los Angeles Angels fans. I don't know anyone who is free. But that didn't stop me from engaging in text conversation wtih this AngelsLifeFree. Now, a wise person would have ignored the message. A semi-wise person would have not ignored the message but would have asked, "Who the hell is this?" I am not wise, instead I'm proud and foolish. I tried to figure out who it was without letting on I didn't know who it was. I will not be bested by someone who still uses AOL.

ALF: hey rachel what's up? (You can reply to this message)
Me: Apparently, yes.
ALF: What?
ME: Oh I miss read your text I thought it read "(Can you reply to this message?)"
ALF: I said hi rachel on the first one.
but ALF didn't say hi rachel. ALF wrote hey rachel what's up. Why would ALF blatantly lie like that? Who do I know that is a pathological liar?
ME: Did you know you misspelled my first name?
Here's where I see how well ALF actually know me. I'm very clever.
ALF: rachael
ALF: sorry
ME: I'm waiting on Nachos. What are you up to?
ALF: nuthin i was just wondering how ur day was?
here's where my mind rattles, do I know anyone besides Jack who wants to know how my day went? And if I do, which is doubtful, do they have AOL instant messenger? I find it highly doubtful that anyone who would still be using AOL puts much effort into life never mind other people. It's not 1996 anymore.
ME: Alright. And yours?
ALF: Really tiring
Tiring heh? That sounds like my mom's friend Arlene. She's always tired and moaning about it, but would this 50someting year old woman be texting me from her Fort Lee apartment at 12:51 am? Hmmm.
ALF: i need a vacation.
Maybe it's not Arlene. Arlene is a teacher and teachers don't need vacations. They get plenty of them. Especially in the summer they get 2 whole months. hmm?
ME: Writing wipe you out?
I'm thinking who else besides Arlene likes to moan? Perhaps a comedian. I know plenty of them, what do comedians do? Moan. And then they write down their moaning.
ALF: oo yeah
ME: good thing you don't have to go into work early tomorrow.
Now here I'm wondering if I'm texting myself in a schitzophranic episode.
ALF: me too
Which would explain ALF's response
ME: No. Wait. I typed you don't have to go into work early tomorrow. I don’t' have to work at all.
ALF: ignoring my specific work comment continues-- Can I ask you for advice?
ME: Sure
Because I'm a very giving person even if it's to a stranger or possible alien puppet with AOL.
ALF: Well have you ever heard of footjobs?
ME: no
ALF: well like using feet to do the job I guess
ME: what kind of job
ALF: like using ur feet
ME: for sex
ALF: yea
Me: maybe an Asian woman's feet or for a man a lady with her middle toes missing.
ALF: lolol haha
here's where both my comedian and Arlene theories flew out the window. A comedian would not laugh at one of my jokes. And Arlene never really got me. Luckily my nachos had arrived.
ALF: did you ever use them to flirt like under a table at a restaurant
ME: In college.
ALF: Giddy up
Here's where I"m thinking it's Michael Richards as Seinfeld's Kramer. Who else would use "Giddy up?" The only problem is how did Michael Richards get my phone number? Who would betray me to Michael? If it's not Michael then maybe it's a cowboy? I did live in Oregon for three years. But do cowboys use AOL instant messanger.?
ALF: but could you use a foot massage.
At this point my nachos have arrived and I read this as ALF telling me ALF could use a foot massage.
ME: We all have needs.
Because I don't know that I want to give this texter a foot massage, especially, if it's a cowboy from two centuries ago. They didnt' have good hygene back then.
ALF: that's true what are urs
ME: Nachos.
Now this is a shame that i misread the offer for a foot massage because that night I really could have gone for one. Even if it was my mom's friend Arlene. Don't ask me how I would have gotten from the East Village to Fort Lee at 1:03am but maybe the offer wasn't time sensitive. We'll never know.
ALF: HaHa
Again with the laughing. You know who thinks I'm hysterical? College kids in Bowling Green, Ohio. Only problem they didn't know me yet. Unless one of them was studying quantum physics and had seen my act before I had performed and thought my feet adorable. Then they slipped back to the present through the worm hole and began texting me. That must be it. It's the simplest explanation.
ALF: OK
ME: OK.
And that was it. No good-bye. Just OKs

Everything in black actually was texted.

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