Thursday, January 24, 2008

Abort! Abort!

Supposedly, this past Tuesday was the 35th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision. I performed on a very special edition of the "Chicks and Giggles" show celebrating the anniversary. The producers of "Chicks and Giggles" asked us ladies to address the topic for some or all of our act. No to disappoint I busted out my old abortion jokes. I added a splash of new abortion material and did ten minutes on abortion. Let me now share some with you some of that set.

So that Roe lady now regrets having her abortion and the role she played in legalizing it. She now wants abortion to be illegal. You know what, I've regretted a lot of things in my day like spending over $100,000 on a theatre degree, or drunkenly eating a hot dog from a street at three in the morning. Hell, I've slept with men who should never have been slept with. But I don't think these things should be prohibited by law. I don't think Governor Spitzer needs to sign a law that makes it illegal to have sex with Ben Kaplan. Even though I strongly feel it would be in every women's interest to avoid such an experience. What I think should be illegal is shaving our legs. I want a law prohibiting leg shaving. Idon't want to shave my legs, but I have to because the rest of you women are all shaving them. I can't go out in the world a single woman and be the only one not shaving. I have to keep up with the pack and stay competitive. However, if it were illegal we'd all be in hairy bliss. Because I don't think any of you really want to. And then I wouldn't be so itchy and then maybe in the winter I wouldn't have to wear long underwear.

Carolyn had suggested I do my old baby flushing joke that goes like this:
I went to the bathroom in the eatery and there was a sign that read, "Only flush toilet paper." And I was like, "Well what do I do with this baby then? Do I put in the sink? Because that's not hygienic. I have to get back out to the prom someone tell me what to do."

I did that joke but then I had to explain it's not an abortion joke. The baby is alive in that joke. It's a baby abandonment joke. You see, I grew up in NJ. Back in the mid 90s in the Garden State there were all these teenage girls having babies in bathroom stalls at the prom. They'd go to the bathroom, have a baby, and then head back out onto the dance floor. If these girls had had abortions just think of all the prom dresses that could have been saved. And you know I feel bad for these girls. The prom is a time for young people to have sex, but you know how hard it is for a women to get a dude to sleep with her while she's menstruating never mind right after she had a baby. The guy would be like, "There's too much room." They are so insensitive.

Now, I'll just wait for a nice Christian to find this post and then fire bomb my house just like Jesus would do. You know how Jesus loved to kill people he disagreed with. It was his third job. Carpentry, Ministry, and then pipe bombs.

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