Football Dick Jokes: An Abridged Version of What I read Last Night

If you haven’t been able to tell already let me spell it out for you I love football. I even like playing it. Unfortunately, I’m a five-foot tall woman with a slight frame. It doesn’t matter how positive I think, or how many times I read “The Secret” or watch Oprah I will never be a professional football player. Hell, I won’t even ever be a high school football player. If you can’t beat’em, join’em. Join’em in holy matrimony. That’s the only way someone like me is ever going to get close to playing pro football is to marry a professional football player.

But what type of player to marry? Not all players are made the same. Most people’s first choice would be the quarterback (the guy who throws the ball). He’s running the show, he’s the star, he’s the main man, and the face of the franchise. This is exactly why you don’t marry a quarterback. He’s going to cheat on. He’s going to cheat on you because he can. Since he’s so much bigger than you you won’t be able to beat him for his crimes, so what’s to stop him from doing it again and again and again? The only way he’s not going to cheat on you is if he’s one of those crazy Christians, which is just another way of saying “in the closet,” which brings us right back to cheating. No, we are not marrying a quarterback. Let those big-breasted cheerleaders have the disease-ridden quarterbacks.

Since the QB is out let’s consider an offensive linemen (the guys who stand in front of the quarterback). At first this seems like a fine choice. These guys are no-names so they’re modest. They spend there time protecting the Quarterback and helping out the running back. They like to serve—that’s a real fine quality in a husband. An offensive linemen seems the perfect choice, only problem is that they’re all over 300 lbs. Translation: you’re going to have to be on top all the time. All The Time! On top some of the time is great, but not all the time. NO. You don’t get good penatration. Granted, these aren’t some run of the mill obese mental cases. They are athletes. They’re in shape and strong enough to hold up their body weight, but how relaxed are you going to be with 300lbs precariously hanging over you? Despite my beginning of the season crush on Shaun O’Hara, I know we could never marry.

How about the running back (the guy who runs with the ball)? Definitely not. He hits the holes. Now granted I love the idea that this man can find a hole, but I don’t need it hit. I need it worked. Further, when he finds the hole he passes right on through. He doesn’t stick around he’s off to the races. Talk about inconsiderate. Plus, it’s not all about the hole.

We have the defensive line men (the guys who try to tackle the quarterback and running back) no way José. Their whole purpose in life is to throw people on their back and just leave them there until you get back up so they can do it again. Are you kidding me?

I thought a coach would be a good choice, a guy in charge who doesn’t tackle anyone. Too bad these guys are married to their football teams. I’m not a Mormon. And as we learned with the dissection of the quarterback I don’t share my men. And then there is the fact that these guys are always yelling. If anyone is going to be yelling in my marriage it’s going to be me. I’m the angry one. I get to yell. We can’t have two yellers.

Wide receiver—date rapist
Tight end – date rapists
Cornerbark—date rapist
Free safety – date rapist.

You know what they’re all date rapists. All professional athletes are date rapists. Every god damn position, except for the kickers. Now, in football you have two types of kickers, the place kicker and the punter. The punter is out because he usually has a little bit of beer belly paunch. It’s probably because he doesn’t do much. We don’t’ need that. If you’re going to marry a professional athlete he might as well be in shape. Or what’s the point?
This brings us to the Place Kicker (the guy who kicks field goals, extra points, and kick offs) he’s usually svelte. The man to marry in pro football is without a doubt the place kicker. Let me enumerate the reasons why.

The kicker is technically on the team, but he’s smaller than everyone. He can’t tackle and he’s not allowed to be tackled or touched. Basically he’s a football player without all the date-rapistey douchebagy things that come along with football players.

No woman in her right mind would become a place kicker groupie, so you don’t have to worry about him cheating, who’s he going to cheat with?

The kicker position does not require strength, speed or size. It requires aim and flexibility. He’ll have less reason to take steroids. Therefore, I’ll be less likely to give birth to a child with some newly discovered genetic disorder. A disorder I’ll have to spend all my time raising money to help find a cure for.

The place kicker is kind of the outcast of the football team, which means he’s desperate for approval. Is there a better trait to have in a mate?

Go Giants!