Monday, January 28, 2008

Morning After Blog on Small Hands Ick

Good Monday readers. Today we have another weekly installment (that has not been weekly at all) of The Morning After: Defunct Sex Blog Advice Column.

The following is a letter my best friend Anna (former intern of the defunct blog) has selected from the "The Morning After" mail bag.

Dear Dan Dude and Matilda:

Help! Last night I was having sex with a my girlfriend of three months. We were having sex for awhile and I never orgasmed. My girlfriend freaked out. She got all emotional and started accusing me of not finding her attractive. But that's not true, it was like my little dude wasn't ready it just didn't want to take a nap, so to speak. I don't think that's the right analogy. How do I convince my girlfriend it wasn't her. How do I fix my sex life with her?

Sincerely,

Chuck.

Dear Chuck:

First off I'd like to apologize that you didn't recieve an answer to this question 6 months ago when you first wrote to "The Morning After Blog." All I can say is that Dan Dude and Matilda are horrible people. OK. Horrible is an exaggeration. It's not as if these two are CEOs of a Fortune 500 company or Investment Bankers, but they do kind of suck. I mean, here you are Chuck with a need for answers to save your relationship and where is Dan Dude and Matilda? MIA, that where. Just be glad you only asked them for sex advice and not for friendship. Part of me wishes I was friends with them so I can tell them how much I don't want to be friends with them. Anyway, I'm here for you Chuck, because I, unlike some people, I am reliable and take my social responsibilities seriously. I only hope it's not too late.

Here's the thing, Chuck: you and your girlfriend are victims of mendacious pop culture. 100% of men don't have orgasms 100% of the time. The orgasming "problem" isn't just for females. There are several reasons for this.

1)One of the people engaged in the sexual act puts the kobash on the sex. In this scenario neither person really gets a chance to go for "the finish line."

2)The orgasming experience might be too intense for the guy. For whatever reason the man just won't let himself release his orgasm because he can't deal with the power of his own orgasm at that time. (Yes, women also deal with this as well.)

3)A man might be on some sort of anti-depressant. Anti-depressants can cause impotence and a lack of sex drive, but they can also interfere with the ability of orgasming. Sometimes a person might have been on psychological meds for an extended period of time, and though they are now off them their body has sort of forgot how to "finish."

4)A dude might be drunk. Were you drunk, Chuck? When in doubt blame the booze. Not just in sex but in life in general.

5)A dude might be tired. There is no shame in just loosing steam. Frequently we have sex at the wee hours of the morning after a night of partying or skiing. You're tuckered out and you can't go on. It's OK, just don't be a douche about it if your partner isn't tired. She's not questioning your man hood if she wants to continue on by herself. And vice versa for the ladies.

6)Now, Chuck this might come to a surprise to you but some men choose not to orgasm? That's right. I have met such a man. I have slept with such a man. I know this isn't what happened to you, if it were a choice you would have asked a different question. Also, some man do orgasm but don't ejaculate. The founder of the original blog, Dan Dude, is such a person. Supposedly, the non-ejaculating enables men to have multiple orgasms. I don't know the veracity of such a statement but that's what Dan Dude told Anna when she was interning at the blog this past summer. He also said sometimes he just didn't cum, but would fake it. I have to say I disagree for both men and women faking it. I think we all need to chill out on the orgasms. In my opinion it is not the point or the goal of sex. It is a nice by product, but not the end all be all. If it were we could all just sit at home masturbating all day. We wouldn't have to bother with dating, courting or fibbing to each other to get one another into bed.

So, Chuck, if your girlfriend is still your girlfriend tell her that "shit happens" it's not personal. Just like you don't take it personally that she doesn't always have an orgasm. And if she is one of the those women who always cums (because those women exist) then don't say that last part. Remember people sex is the benefit of a relationship. It is payment for having to patio furniture shop, for having to have dinner with your significant other's crazy relatives. Let us try to stress less and have more fun.

In conclusion go GIANTS!

Sincerely,

Small hands Ick

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