Thursday, September 13, 2007

Clog My Arteries

I saw a news report on Wednesday informing the public that Americans are living longer than ever. The average life expectancy is somewhere around 77.2 years (I'm going off memory here, you don't expect me to do actual research). Some of the causes of the extra years on Earth for humans has to do with earlier detection of cancers (so they get treated before it's too late) and a decrease in heart disease among others which I can't call recall right now.

The elimation of heart disease is very troubling. That's the way I wanted to go out. I wanted to die of a heart attack. What better way to die than a sharp shooting pain in your left arm followed by a cramping of the left chestal area, followed by dropping dead? Perfect no too painful and not drawn out. Hell, heart attacks are so easy you can do them in your sleep. But once again my generation gets fucked. Not only will we have no social security by the time we retire. That's if we get to retire, the report on ABC's nightly news also explained Americans are working later in life because they are living longer and need more money. That's just great. We get more years of life only to spend those years in a cube or coal mine. And to top it off won't even be able to die quickly and relatively painlessly of a heart attack.

My whole I've always dreamed of dying of a heart attack. I think it's my life's goal. Sure I'm somewhat active and not overweight, but I cook with alot of butter, and eat my fair share of icecream. I can't believe it's come to this. You realize the less likely an American is to die from heart disease the more likely they are to die from other causes such as: drowning, being buried alive, stabbing, gun shot wounds, a grizzly bear attack, gang warefare, etc. Granted the grizzly bear attack is probably as unlikely as a heart attack because eventually there will be no grizzly bears. But gang warefare will probably take most of generation as we get older. I mean if you, the office manager, will be working into your eighties so will the gang banger. Why wouldn't a gang banger also continue in his/her profession as well? Gang members also need to eat. I imagine with so many of Americas elderly working in the decades to come we'll probably see a surge in gang recruitment. Having a gang presence in a nursing home keeps the nurses from stealing your shit. And if you have ever talked to a person in one of these places you know those nurses are up to no good.

Anyway, my point is I'm going to have to start planning for the future. If I'm not going to be able to die of a heart attack I might have to become an opium addict. Can you even get opium anymore? I know you can get herion which is an opiate, but that has all this other junk in it. Doing herion is kind of like eating a frozen dinner. Both items are cut with all these chemicals you don't need to make them go further. That crap they put in heroin can make a person's overdose gruesome full of vomit, seizures, and flooded lungs thereby negating the whole point of becoming an addict.

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do about dying. I know I have to do die some day-- probably in 47-67 years. I have sometime to think about it. Maybe there will be knew ways to die painlessly by the time I apply for my AARP card. One can dream.

1 comment:

Margaret Dodge said...

To make it even worse, they are going to figure out how we can keep shedding uterine linings til we're 80. Because nothing's hotter than shedding uterine lining to make a girl feel...

...like she's enduring a lot all for nothing.