Revisiting an Old Pet Peeve
Regular readers know that I'm not a proponent of friendship with ex-romantic partners. My long time argument against such arrangements is that it is emotionally dishonest as well as torturous. Well, my mind hasn't changed on the subject, but I have new reasoning on why it's so fucking stupid.
Say you're dating someone, and it's just not working out: either you're not getting along, or you bore one another, or one of you stopped bathing. Whatever the reason you find yourselves in the midst of a "talk." In the talk one of you suggests you should remain friends. Why? Why would you be friends with someone you are arguing with or bored by or who smells just awful? If you couldn't get along when you were dating what makes you think you would get along now, now that you definitely won't be having sex. Let's admit that sex a pretty good incentive to try to get along with someone and now that this part of your partnership has ended what makes you think it'll be fun to get a beer together or play mini-golf? Unless, of of course, you're someone who only socializes with vexing people this post romance friendship choice makes no sense.
I say when breaking up people should do the opposite. The talk should go something like this, "Hey this isn't working. We're not getting along. I think we should break-up, but we can still be non-socializing sex partners." In this scenario you no longer have to worry about trying to get along with someone intolerable but you still get to have sex with someone you trust not to kill you. Of course if the reason for breaking up is that you or he isn't bathing then it's best to severe all ties.
The only exception to this friends rule is if the sex was awful but you guys had the best time on vacation together. Then I guess you should be friends. Except how are you going to be friends with someone who thinks you're an awful sex partner? Everytime the two of you hang out all you'll be able to think about your bedroom foibles and inadequacy as person.
Let us be honest with ourselves and our former romantic partners. We don't actually want to be friends with them. What we want is to either A) keep the sex door open or B) break-off all relations with the person, but not have them hate us. For so many of us knowing someone out there thinks ill of us drives us crazy (not me, I'm paranoid and assume everyone is out to get me, so go ahead hate me, I don't care. I don't trust you anyway.) So we try not to be the bad guy when breaking up with someone and offer faux friendship. In the end you hope your ex doesn't call you to tell you about his/her day, or to ask how you are doing. You hope he/she doesn't try to socialize with you or ask you to emotionally suppport them in a time of crisis. You don't want to drive him/her to the airport or watch his/her cat. You just want them to think fondly of you.
And for those who actually want to be friends I have a feeling you don't think you have the ablity to make more friends. Or you are still in love with your ex.
Say you're dating someone, and it's just not working out: either you're not getting along, or you bore one another, or one of you stopped bathing. Whatever the reason you find yourselves in the midst of a "talk." In the talk one of you suggests you should remain friends. Why? Why would you be friends with someone you are arguing with or bored by or who smells just awful? If you couldn't get along when you were dating what makes you think you would get along now, now that you definitely won't be having sex. Let's admit that sex a pretty good incentive to try to get along with someone and now that this part of your partnership has ended what makes you think it'll be fun to get a beer together or play mini-golf? Unless, of of course, you're someone who only socializes with vexing people this post romance friendship choice makes no sense.
I say when breaking up people should do the opposite. The talk should go something like this, "Hey this isn't working. We're not getting along. I think we should break-up, but we can still be non-socializing sex partners." In this scenario you no longer have to worry about trying to get along with someone intolerable but you still get to have sex with someone you trust not to kill you. Of course if the reason for breaking up is that you or he isn't bathing then it's best to severe all ties.
The only exception to this friends rule is if the sex was awful but you guys had the best time on vacation together. Then I guess you should be friends. Except how are you going to be friends with someone who thinks you're an awful sex partner? Everytime the two of you hang out all you'll be able to think about your bedroom foibles and inadequacy as person.
Let us be honest with ourselves and our former romantic partners. We don't actually want to be friends with them. What we want is to either A) keep the sex door open or B) break-off all relations with the person, but not have them hate us. For so many of us knowing someone out there thinks ill of us drives us crazy (not me, I'm paranoid and assume everyone is out to get me, so go ahead hate me, I don't care. I don't trust you anyway.) So we try not to be the bad guy when breaking up with someone and offer faux friendship. In the end you hope your ex doesn't call you to tell you about his/her day, or to ask how you are doing. You hope he/she doesn't try to socialize with you or ask you to emotionally suppport them in a time of crisis. You don't want to drive him/her to the airport or watch his/her cat. You just want them to think fondly of you.
And for those who actually want to be friends I have a feeling you don't think you have the ablity to make more friends. Or you are still in love with your ex.
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