Tuesday, September 25, 2007

An Open Letter To My Family

For varying reasons my family has witnessed Charles Star perform stand-up comedy three times or so. The following is a letter to my extended family regarding the issue of Charles Star and his comedy.

Dear Family (Both Isaacsons and Parentas):

This letter is to inform you that you are not in fact related to my friend and fellow comedian Charles Star. You are in fact related to me.

Effective immediately you will cease telling me how funny you think he is. He is not your daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin. So you should stop bragging about his comedic exploits as if he was. If you feel the need to talk about how funny someone is feel free to talk about me, as we are related and though family pride may disgust others outside the family unit, discussing the funniness of someone you are not related to who is not famous is freakish. Also considered freakish is putting him any of your wills. He has his own family from which he can inherit riches, and property. Unless of course you have arranged a inheritance exchange program with the Star family. However, if no arrangement has been made I strongly advise you not leave him anything as the communities where you live would probably ostracize you for breaking with tradition. Really, I'm just trying to save you and your social standing.

Also, note that Charles has a law degree to fall back and therefore is not in need of an inheritance. Unlike me, your relative, who is in my own right extremely funny.

Further, I'd like to make you aware that Charles will never write jokes about you to put in his act. In light of this I don't see how you could think he's funnier than me as you can not relate to his material as well as you can relate to mine because you are my act. You know all the players in my jokes, you don't however, know Charles' wife Carrie. I know this because you kept asking me if he were single and I had to inform you that indeed he was married and that his wife was in attendance at my surprise birthday party. Charles will never write jokes about your gender revealing parties as he hasn't been to one. I don't think you should start inviting him either. I'm already too much funny for those parties no other comedian is needed. Charles also won't be writing jokes on your inablity to eat diary, or your senility, or your bizarre unwillingness to travel West of Parsipanny within the state of New Jersey.

Speaking of the birthday party I'd just like point out that Charles had months to prepare his roast and I only had several minutes to prepare a rebuttal set of jokes. Which you have to admit my jokes were very funny. I heard you all laughing. So you've already admitted it.

Thank you for your time. I hope this matter can finally be put to rest and we can once again focus on my genius and not be side-tracked by people outside of our clan.

Sincerely,

Rachael Parenta (resident family comedian)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! Charles must have been really funny. I'll have to check him out!

Charles said...

Sorry Rachael. I have two families now.