Friday, May 27, 2005

Behind the Title

I really think I should call this blog typos, spelling errors, and the grammatically unsound. But smallhands ick seems so much more irrelevant.

The story of smallhands:
Once upon a time in the land of the gardens and industrial waste lived a socially inept lumberjack who did not make his living from the forest but rather by computer programing. However, some thought he earned money by selling drugs, but this was probably unlikely, he could never be in sales. Others believed he was gifted by the fairies at birth with a trust fund--this rumor was never confirmed for the lumberjack was a tight lipped fellow. One hot Jersey summer he met a young maiden toiling away behind a desk 8 hours of the day. She had been born into capitalism and therefore could not play outside all summer. She knew that this situation was only temporary and once she earned her theatre degree all monetary problems would be lifted.
The lumberjack and the maiden were immediately taken with one another. It was a whirl wind romance, full of nausea and neurosis--mostly on the part of the fair maiden. That summer the young lady's nerves filled her stomach with acid rendering her unable to eat. She shrank by ten pounds in a mere two months. (Love, nature's diet.) Despite the dramatic weightloss our heroic lumberjack continued to love her...well liked her...well, she was better than being alone. And she, in her thinness, was happy to keep him company that summer for he was an amazing man.
He could make furniture, could make people feel awkward at a party,, and he had a BEARD!

Unfortunately, there was one problem. An evil witch, Genetics, had cast a spell on him while he lay in his mother's womb. When he emerged from his mother his hands were disproportionately small! As an adult he kind of looked like 5ft 10 inch T.Rex or more like Godzilla, really, but with a beard (sigh). Sometimes in the late hours, while restless, he would search for tiny tiny japanese people to terrorize.

His hands were awful, he barely could hold the stick shift in his foreign, midsized chariot. He needed both hands to grasp a pickle. Watching him stir stain on his stove could send a person into convulsions. His hands were grotesque. But still the maiden loved him.

The summer ended and the maiden had to return to the city of beans to finish her degree. She wrote him often and he responded in kind. Twice he had made the journey north to see her. Then out of nowhere the maiden was whisked off to an evil, cursed world known as Los Angeles. When finally, the maiden was able to free her self and return to the enchanted state of gardens the small handed man had left her for a girl with yellow teeth.

The yellow toothed woman and the lumberjack lived happily ever after.

The fair maiden lives.

the end.

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