Got You Beat, Buddy

I have a corporate lawyer friend. He e-mailed me the other day telling me all about his new shoes. Supposedly, his new shoes make a squeeking sound with each step he takes. He feels it draws a lot of negative attention toward him in the overly quiet, straight-laced office he works in. "I can't even buy shoes, I'm such a fuck up," he wrote.

If he's a fuck up for buying noisey shoes what does that make me. I can't even afford to buy new shoes. If I want a pair, I have to hope my mother guilts me into going to some event that requires I dress half way decent. Then, she has to be disgusted with the shoes I currently own forcing her to drag me out to some outlet store or Marshalls; and buy me a new pair.

He's a a Fuck up? I am currently temping at job in NJ, but I live in Brooklyn. My second day at this job I infected the computer with a virus. And no, I wasn't even looking up porn. I was looking up guitar tabs, because I'm too tone deaf to figure out the chords to songs myself. In an attempt to rememdy this virus problem I've downloaded Ad aware and Spybot. I can't get rid this computer of the virus. Normally, I wouldn't care what happens to a temp job computer, but I got this gig because this dude is a friend of my former boss. They work in the same building where I'll be returning to work for my old boss. I'll be filling in for a couple of days next week answering his phone while he's in Israel. Apparently, I'm cheaper than international call forwarding.

Because I have barely exchanged 8 words maybe 9 with the man I'm currently working for I plan not to inform him about the virus situation. Instead my big plan is to unistall and delete the anti-virus software I've downloaded and firefox web browser, and pretend that nothing happened and hope that the woman who normally works here thinks she contracted the virus. I'm doomed. Can you believe I graduated Magna Cum Laude?

I can't even take care of myself. I haven't gotten to bed before 1:30am this week and only one of those days was I drunk. And none of those days was I having sex. I've been driving 45 minutes into NYC to do 5-10 minute sets of comedy to then get in my car at 11:30pm to sit in traffic for an 1 hour and half.

I think if there was a fuck up competition I might not fuck that up.