Thursday, May 12, 2005

Women, sheesh

First off, it's freezing in the office. I have a bit about hating fat people because they're not bothered by the cold, but I don't think it translates to computer screen well. I guess you'll just have to come out and see me sometime.
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Last night I had the privilige of performing in my home state, New Jersey. I don't understand why the garden state has reputation for a dunderhead population.

Let's recap some highlights. One gentelman told a story of a date he had gone on. The woman with whom he dined stated that she doesn't have sex on the first date. He was an understanding chap and as he put his wallet back into his trouser pocket responded, "That's fine. I don't pay for dinner on the first date." I thought of course that's the only logical play for him to make. Why else would he invite a female to dinner but to buy her complicity in sex acts with him. I know When my parents take me out for dinner or even lunch I'm expected to put out immediately. (Well, they make me wait 45 minutes so as not to cramp.) I mean, that's what treating people to things, especially food, is all about. I recall this one instance when I invited my friend, Jen, to dine with me in celebration of her birthday, I spent a good 20 bucks on that meal and she had the nerve to end the evening with a hug and a thanks. Not even so much as a nipple twist. Was I supposed to be satisfied with the laughs and stimulating conversation over our burgers? Was I expected to be contented with the huge smile on Jen's face as she savored the ice cream topped brownie that I had provided? God she's such a bitch!

Another young man who took the stage last night had a great idea of his own. He believed the next logical step scientists should take after having successfully grown an ear on a mouse's back was to now grow vaginas on the backs of mice. Brilliant! Who says the Jersey legacy of Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison is dead? What a big heart and thoughtful man this comedian is. It's like he's a sexual socialist. We all know there are men who can not read or put together sentences. There are men who have no social skills. These men have a great deal of trouble finding women to sleep with them. Is that fair? Don't we all deserve sex? But so often men like these find nothing but rejection. It's sad really. However, if scientists could grow vaginas on the backs of defenseless animals, well then all heterosexual males could get laid no matter their hygene, tempermant, or consideration.

Though these men make good points. I would also like to add a suggestion for getting laid. I know I'm only a women and there for a little short on brains (we women must be a little dim why else would get paid 30% less than men), but I think this might work. I think people might want to try prostitutes. A prostitute is someone who provides sex for money. It's a pure business transaction. No going to taco bell for dinner only to hear a women tell you, "she had a nice time and would love to see you again." They don't want to talk they want you to get in and get out and hand over the cash. For these hard working sex professionals the quicker you are the faster they can get to the next client. So before we start spending crazy amounts of money on science or run up a bar tab getting some chick liquored up why not call a lady of the night. No fuss no muss.

2 comments:

Charles said...

I may not be built for porn, but even I couldn't fuck a vagina on a mouse's back

rachael said...

Charles, don't say that. All you need is a little faith in yourself and the right attitude.