I Continue to Rejoice That I'm not Single
I posted a month ago or so how I was glad to be not single and related a horrifying dating scenario that tormented my sleep. Well, it occurred to me out of the blue other ways that singlehood would suck.
I imagine that if I were single and not with the most amazing Jack that I'd only meet men who were comedians or friends of comedians. Now, I could never date a comedian because if it didn't work out (and it wouldn't work out because I'd be a single person and single people lack competency in having a romantic relationship. If they were capable of such a feat then they wouldn't be single. Because, really who chooses to be single?) I'd have to see them again. They would not vanish into the ether like a regular ex-datee. So, all I'd be left to date would be friends of comedians. And not the good friends of comedians. The choice friends have better things to do with their time than hang out at comedy shows in the east village on a weekday. Instead my single self would be left with the "other" friends. I could just see me in my singledom finding one of these dude's cute and relaying such a sentiment to the related comedian. I then imagine nothing happening for months and months. We'd run into each other and talk, and nothing. As the months carry on I find myself less and less attracted to this dude because I'm sure this dude would be single too and therefore wouldn't have theories, opinions or philosophies on life. Only people in relationships have those because they are interesting. That's proven by the fact that someone wants to be with them for a great deal of time. And I'm sure this friend would not banter. If he could banter then he too would be a comic and dating someone. Finally, after he's completely killed any kind of attraction I would have had for him with his personality (that's right men foreplay starts with the chatting) he would kiss me. But it'd be too late. I'd know him to well to be able to "get it up" for even a one night stand. I'd flee into my apartment and avoid phone calls. I'd call him back when I thought he'd be unavailable to answer his phone. I could just see it. A few days later we'd both attend the same birthday party and I'd have to be nice and do the brush off. A vapid girl would talk with him and I pray into my drink, "Please take the vapid girl home. Please take the vapid girl home."
I'm so glad to be with Jack. We never have awkward run-ins. How could we. We're in love and when you're in love you know the other person's schedule.
Or I could see my single self getting drunk with some other comedian's friend. I'm sure this dude would have been recently dumped by his girlfriend of four years whom he still lives with because this is NYC. And though it would be wiser for me to be single in some other town, I wouldn't know that because single people are stupid. If they weren't then they wouldn't be single. Right? And it would be this stupidity that would make me think it was a fine idea to take this emotional wreck home with me. I'd reason hell, I don't have to work Wednesday and he's just been fired, so he doesn't have to work Wednesday. What the hell. (My relationship self didn't work Wednesday but I don't see how that would change due to my relationship status. )
We'd fool around for a couple of hours. I'd be falling asleep and he'd decide he needed to leave which my single self would prefer. As we all know single people like sleeping alone, if they didn't well they'd be in a relationship. And let's face it my single self would not want to make out with this man in the sober light of morning. Don't get me wrong I love having sex in the mornings with Jack, but Jack's whole being turns me on.
In the morning my body would yearn for water and vitamin B. I'd straighten up my room and find this dude's keys. I'd have to decide to throw them away or contact the comic who's friend I had as guest about the keys, and thereby admitting I messed around with their emotional wreck of a friend.
So once again, thank God I have Jack. Not because he's the epitome of marvelous, but because single is stupid.
I imagine that if I were single and not with the most amazing Jack that I'd only meet men who were comedians or friends of comedians. Now, I could never date a comedian because if it didn't work out (and it wouldn't work out because I'd be a single person and single people lack competency in having a romantic relationship. If they were capable of such a feat then they wouldn't be single. Because, really who chooses to be single?) I'd have to see them again. They would not vanish into the ether like a regular ex-datee. So, all I'd be left to date would be friends of comedians. And not the good friends of comedians. The choice friends have better things to do with their time than hang out at comedy shows in the east village on a weekday. Instead my single self would be left with the "other" friends. I could just see me in my singledom finding one of these dude's cute and relaying such a sentiment to the related comedian. I then imagine nothing happening for months and months. We'd run into each other and talk, and nothing. As the months carry on I find myself less and less attracted to this dude because I'm sure this dude would be single too and therefore wouldn't have theories, opinions or philosophies on life. Only people in relationships have those because they are interesting. That's proven by the fact that someone wants to be with them for a great deal of time. And I'm sure this friend would not banter. If he could banter then he too would be a comic and dating someone. Finally, after he's completely killed any kind of attraction I would have had for him with his personality (that's right men foreplay starts with the chatting) he would kiss me. But it'd be too late. I'd know him to well to be able to "get it up" for even a one night stand. I'd flee into my apartment and avoid phone calls. I'd call him back when I thought he'd be unavailable to answer his phone. I could just see it. A few days later we'd both attend the same birthday party and I'd have to be nice and do the brush off. A vapid girl would talk with him and I pray into my drink, "Please take the vapid girl home. Please take the vapid girl home."
I'm so glad to be with Jack. We never have awkward run-ins. How could we. We're in love and when you're in love you know the other person's schedule.
Or I could see my single self getting drunk with some other comedian's friend. I'm sure this dude would have been recently dumped by his girlfriend of four years whom he still lives with because this is NYC. And though it would be wiser for me to be single in some other town, I wouldn't know that because single people are stupid. If they weren't then they wouldn't be single. Right? And it would be this stupidity that would make me think it was a fine idea to take this emotional wreck home with me. I'd reason hell, I don't have to work Wednesday and he's just been fired, so he doesn't have to work Wednesday. What the hell. (My relationship self didn't work Wednesday but I don't see how that would change due to my relationship status. )
We'd fool around for a couple of hours. I'd be falling asleep and he'd decide he needed to leave which my single self would prefer. As we all know single people like sleeping alone, if they didn't well they'd be in a relationship. And let's face it my single self would not want to make out with this man in the sober light of morning. Don't get me wrong I love having sex in the mornings with Jack, but Jack's whole being turns me on.
In the morning my body would yearn for water and vitamin B. I'd straighten up my room and find this dude's keys. I'd have to decide to throw them away or contact the comic who's friend I had as guest about the keys, and thereby admitting I messed around with their emotional wreck of a friend.
So once again, thank God I have Jack. Not because he's the epitome of marvelous, but because single is stupid.
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