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The U.S. government lies! I know. I know this is news. I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to be your older cousin who tells you there is no Santa, but it’s time that we Americans grew up. The truth is what our government tells us is not always true. In fact, I’m beginning to think that the government never tells the truth. Not ever.

Here’s how I figured it all out. My boyfriend Jack and I traveled up to Maine’s Acadia National Park last week. I needed to get away from my social periphery (who we all will be shivving in the gut or shoveling in the head starting September 17th 8pm at M.Shanghai’s Den thanks to my sponsor I Hate the Periphery Foundation). Our first morning there we hiked the coastline along what the park called “otters cliff” to otters point. We didn’t see on otter at either place. Is this how our government makes it’s billions by defrauding innocent tourists? Jack and I thought that maybe the otters were on vacation somewhere else, like New York City. I mean, if we could leave New York for Maine why couldn’t the otters leave Maine for New York? So we decided to give the park the benefit of the doubt and stay. The next morning we decided to ascend Cadillac Mountain, the highest mountain in the park? When we reached the summit we found no Cadillac. All we found were magnificent and awe inspiring views. Which would have been fine but the mountain isn’t called Beautiful Vistas. I thought I’d see a Cadillac perched atop a Mountain. There were no rock formations or vegetation resembling a caddy. I couldn’t believe my government would lie to me so blatantly so Jack and I chartered a helicopter to fly high above the mountain to see if the mountain itself looked like a Cadillac. We maxxed out or credit cards and took out a small business loan. We had to forge documents proving we actually had a business to loan against. Do you know how hard it is to forge documents when you’re camping in the woods? And after all that guess what. It looked like a mountain not a Cadillac!

And what the hell is an Acadia? Our government is just making up words now. They probably should call it Rockefeller’s Coastal Mountain Park. Because John D. was the one who donated the land that makes up the park. Or so the plaque reads in at Thunder Hole another tourist trap in the park. Yeah, don’t get me started about that bullshit. There’s no thunder. There’s no hole. It’s a place where the ocean makes a garbling sound at high tide. That’s not thunder. Thunder is something clouds do.

If the U.S. Government will go this far to get families to pony up $20 for a week of majestic beauty who knows what else they’re shoveling. Maybe the flag doesn’t stand for anything. It definitely doesn’t stand for one nation. It’s more like a nation and it’s protectorates and colonies, and military bases. And I don’t have liberty. In New Hampshire I didn’t have the freedom to drive my car at the speed I wanted to. And if there were any justice in this country my elementary school “friends” would have been sentenced to scaphism long ago. Beware my fellow Americans. Beware!