A Tale of Two Bikes and a Crazy Lady

I've never grown out of my childhood habit of anthropomorphizing inanimate objects. A five year old talking to the dishwasher is adorable. A 29 year old threatening the kitchen cabinet for hitting her in the head less adorable. Adorableness be damned! I continue talking to furniture and the like as if it were alive.

A couple of weeks ago I retrieved my speedy, sleek, aluminum, road-bike from my parents' house. The last two years I had been riding my 15 year old steel hybrid-bike around New York City. I immediately took the road-bike for a couple of laps around Prospect Park. What a magical ride I had. I brought the road-bike inside and placed next to my hybrid in my living room. I then began to gush about the fabulousness of the road-bike to my roommate. "I love riding that bike, it so light and the derailer shifts the gears seemlessly. The white hybrid is awkward and heavy. I am barely able to carry it up the stairs." All of sudden I realized I had been going on about the bikes infront of the bikes. Oops. I stopped in mid-sentence because I didn't want the hybrid to get a complex. I don't need to start a rivalry between the two bikes. The hybrid might become hostile and fall on the road-bike pinning it to the living room floor trying to puncture the road-bike's tires. I don't need the hybrid pissed at me getting all passive agressive the next time I ride the bike. You know, like I try making a left turn and the bike decides we're going right we both wind up sprawled on the street. The hybrid would say something bitchy like, "Oops. I guess I'm just old and senile. I don't remember my left from my right. I confuse easily these days. Good thing we weren't going fast. Well, how could I? What, with me being so fat and all."

I'd respond, "I never said fat. I said heavy. You're just big framed."

Truly concerned about the mental health of my hybrid I ceased my favorable talk regarding the road-bike. I walked over to both bikes patted them on their seats and said, "You guys are both awesome. I love you both equally." We know that's not true. I obviously favor my road-bike, but I just don't need the drama in my household. Luckily the bikes can't surf the net and read the blog.


Anonymous said…
Ho. Ly. Crap.

"anthropomorphize" *and* "parents'" ??? Somebody found the spelling / punctuation checker!

Your Mom and I are so proud of you!