Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Ham Saga Resolved

Original Ham Post
Previous Ham Post

If you feel lost by the succeeding post feel free to click on the above links to catch yourself up.

My best friend Anna once dated a fellow. They broke up twice--they each took a turn. On their second break-up Anna sent her fella a ham with a note reading, "reconsider." The problem was she never knew if he actually had recieved the ham. Well, now we know.

My best Friend Anna called me Monday night.
"Rachael, he got the fucking ham?"
"Really? How did you find out? Did you find video footage of the ham being delivered?"
"No. Though, that would have been a good idea. Too bad I didn't think of that before. You know Rachael, we are not free there are video cameras everywhere. Did you see End of Days?"
"Of course I did, Gabriel Byrne was in it."
"Right. Duh. No, I didn't commandeer video footage. I asked him if he got the ham?"
"You just asked him?"
"Yeah."
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You just asked. Who does that? Did you just call him up out of the blue and ask?"
"Yeah. I got on the phone and said. 'Did you get that ham a year and four months ago?' He said,'Who is this?' 'How many women do you have sending you Hams, asshole?' 'Oh it's you. Yeah, I got it. I was touched, actually. I kept it for awhile.'"
"Awhile?"
"Yeah, he put it in the freezer. He didn't know how to respond to my gesture, so he just put the ham in the freezer. Every morning he'd open up the the freezer, look at it, and shed a tear. He didn't feel right eating it. Eventually, the freezer frost enveloped the ham and he had to throw it out."
"We're done with this? You're done with him."
"Well, I did offer to teach him how to knit."
"No."
"He's out of work and needs warm clothes for the winter."
"Do what you want, Anna. But I wouldn't waste my time with some who didn't care about me at all."
"Rachael, yes you would."

4 comments:

Allison said...

I like to imagine him eating the ham, weeping the entire time.

Anonymous said...

#1 - That reminds me:
www.cryingwhileeating.com

#2 - I know just how you feel.

Anonymous said...

Forget the boyfriend. Leave the ham in the freezer. Go online and find a great dating site. You will meet plenty of single dating people who will be more kind. Try someone new and don't ever look back. I have tried taking back and they never change.

rachael said...

Anonymous,
I've never given anyone a ham. I think ham is gross. My best friend Anna isn't into online dating. And I have to say that I once redated someone and they did change. He went from being somewhat considerate to a manipulative asshole. So people can change. Just give them a chance.
But thanks for putting an Advertisement link in your comment.