FAA Saving Lives Beyond the Airplane

In 1999 me and a posse of ten Emerson students headed north from Los Angeles to Santa Barbra for a day trip. When you're living in LA you try to get out of LA as much as possible. Santa Barbra was lovely, quaint, and cutesy. We walked the town from beach to Mission. We stopped at an eatery for a late afternoon snack and a beverage to slake our thirst from a rigourous day of sight seeing. It was here that we made the most wonderful discovery--Henry Weinhardt rootbeer. It is one of the finest rootbeers to have passed these lips. If I could remember the name of the waitress who recommended this marvelous soft drink I would have constructed a golden idol in her image. Alas, I don't know her name nor remember her face I was blinded by the rootbeer.

The rest of our Los Angeles living consisted of purchasing six packs of Henry's rootbeer. In a town of awfulness Henry Weinhardt rootbeer was 120z of liquid wonderfulness. Eventually, our semester in Los Angeles concluded and we hurried back to the Northeast unknowingly leaving behind our dear Henry Weinhardt. Sadly, the Weinhardts don't distribute their rootbeer past the Colorado River. Much like the Chipwich doesn't get distributed west of the Ohio River. Eastern and Western America will never know one another's sugary goodness.

This week I am playing shows in Oregon. Oregon: home of the Weinhardt's brewing operations. Their rootbeer flows like Portland's Willamette River here. Some bars even have it on tap. I thought of my friend Jesse who was with me on that fateful Santa Barbra trip over 8 years ago. I decided I wanted to bring him back at least one bottle of rootbeer he could enjoy in his Brooklyn apartment. But it can not be.

None of us are allowed to bring liquids onto an airplane these days. You can pack liquids in your checked baggage that is stored in the non-heated belly of the plane. Do you know what happens to soda when frozen? It explodes. Ironic. If I bring the soda on the plane no explosion. However, if I put it in my checked bag, Kaboom! Well, more like "Ahh shit! What's all this sticky crap on my clothes? Oh! It's the god damn rootbeer!" I can't open the rootbeer and pour into 12 travel-size shampoo bottles. The soda will go flat and it will taste like shampoo.

That's when I realized how awesome the FAA is. Not only is it saving us from terrorists, but it is also saving Jesse from calories and sugar he doesn't need to ingest. Excess, sugary calories have been known to lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, headaches, and thirst. All of which leads to death. Thank you FAA for disallowing me from accidently killing my good friend Jesse Post.

See, U.S. citizens the government really does know best. Just because it doesn't seem to make any sense at the time, eventually you will see the light. Like taking off your shoes at the metal detector. If you slip and fall while in stocking feet that might be a sign you have an inner ear problem. An inner ear problem detected early because of the FAA.

God Bless America!

Comments

Anonymous said…
I never knew a woman could write an article that was soo funny, yet intelligably delightfull...


p.s. - I love Henry Weihnhardt rootbeer, and they just stoped delivering it to chicago about a month ago.

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