Monday, May 21, 2007

More than Acquaintances

A relationship between two people who know each and are having sexual relations but are not dating is frequently referred to as “more than friends.” I disagree with this term. I think you are actually less than friends. If it has been clearly stated that the two people engaging in sex are not dating then they can not socialize. They can not invite one another to a movie, or sporting event, or a party—especially not a party because at a party you could meet someone you actually want to date and therefore be more than friends with---because if you invite your sex partner to an event and then you have sex after the event that would then be a date and you are not dating. Which is simply illustrated in the equation:

Friendship + Sex = Dating.

On the other hand if you invite a friend to any of the above mentioned activities that’s completely acceptable actually it is more than acceptable it’s kind of required if you are to be friends with someone then you should socialize with them. Or illustrated in these equations.

Friendship - sex = Friendship
Knowing X + Socializing with X= Friendship
Also, when sleeping with someone you know but aren’t dating you may not call them just to chat. You do, however, call your friends just to chat. Perhaps you would call your friends to chat about the sex you are having with the person you know but aren’t dating. You would never call the person you are having sex with that you are dating to talk about the sex and/or them that’s what people do who are in a romantic relationships.
Sex + Socializing + Discussions about Sex and Socializing=Romantic Relationship
(Socializing + Intimate Discussions) - Sex = Friendship


That is why I think we should update the term for a relationship between two people who know each , are having sex with one anther, but are not dating to “more than acquaintances.” With acquaintances I rarely, if ever, socialize with them; I don’t call them on the phone unless I need an email address or something; I don’t discuss my sex life with them (OK I do, but most other people don’t); I don’t have talks about the relationship I have with them (unless I’m in Corporate America and have to have a passive-aggressive, emotionally dishonest discussion with a coworker about our working relationship.). Which can be expressed:
(Knowing Someone - Socializing) - (Intimate discussions) - caring at all = Acquaintance
So, basically you and your sex partner who you know each other but aren’t dating are acquaintances, well more than acquaintances because you don’t usually risk having a child with an acquaintance.
(Knowing Someone - Socializing) - (Intimate Discussions) + Sex + Pretending Not to Care = More Than Acquaintances.
More than Acquaintances = Less than Friends

4 comments:

Nina Paley said...

A few years ago I started writing a Self-Hurt Book called "Men are assholes, Women Are Bitches." Would you like to finish it for me? Your above blog entry would make an excellent chapter.

rachael said...

Funny, Nina. At my latest temp job i'm supposed to be working on a self help book for love and relationships (absurd of course) so perhaps that will work as a replacement for your above mentioned title.

Anonymous said...

what if you're having sex with a friend and talking about it with them (in an intimate way) but are not dating (ie never socialize). What's that? Forgive me if it's already stated in a formula. I'm crap at math.

rachael said...

anonymous,

If you never socialize than you are not friends. Unless the person is incapable of socializing because they are bed-ridden then you'd be dating an invalid.