My hands are tied

I think we should kill one of my roommates. And when I write "we," I mean all of us or any of us or one of us, or Elijiah the Prophet. After a weekend in NJ I came home to find the bathroom without toilet paper and Chinese food turned pencillin in the fridge. I went out and over paid for a roll of toilet paper as the grocery store in the neighborhood was closed. I think I should keep the TP in my room with my robe. He never replaces any of the common commodities, and for this he should die.

I would kill him myself right now, but I don't have a gun. Perhaps I could poison him, but he never gets around to eating anything in the apartment. And without a gun or poison I'd have to use my empty hands--a.k.a. karate. Turns out I'm only allowed to use karate for self-defense. When committing acts of violence sans firearms it's hard to know what is and isn't karate. I think I can poke him in the eyes but only with a single finger. If I put my fingers together and strike his pupil that's called a shote and is there by forbidden. I can strangle him, but only if I avoid the many pressure points I'm now aware of due to my studies. What if this ignoramus tries to defend himself. It seems unlikely because that would require effort, but that's just my luck. All of a sudden he would decide to get off his lazy ass and do something at the exact moment I need him to just sit still and take a beating. In the event that he starts flailing about I have to block and parry because if I don't I'll get hit, ouch. But if I block his strikes I'm using karate again and we're right back where we started.

I've thought of asking my other roommate to kill him, as my other roommate has no martial arts training, but my other roommate does so much around the apartment already. I just feel guilty asking for a favor.


Allison said…
I think the issues surrounding TP replacement--who buys it, who puts it on the spindle, who recycles the cardboard tube--are the number one reason to live alone.