Choose: Your Heart or Your Liver

A report was released today stating that large quantities of red wine offset the negative effects of a fatty, gorgeful diet in mice. Where were these mice getting the wine? Mice don't live to 21 years of age. Who's selling the mice the wine? Or more likely who is buying the wine for the mice? I think we all know who. The Scientists. The god-loathing and now alcoholic enabling scientists. These scientists are elitists. Apparently, good old American beer isn't good enough for these scientists. They go out and buy that high falutent European wine. Or they get it from California, but those Californians aren't real Americans--what with their sourdough bread. Real Americans eat tasteless wonderbread.

If scientists are going to encourage underage drinking then they should do it with Budwieser.

God save this country.