A Guide to New York Area Parties

I am very popular. I am sure this surprises none of you. Just look at me. Who wouldn't want to spend time with me? Exactly. One of the many reasons I'm so popular is that I'm a giving person. I share. Today I want to share with you the contrasts between types of parties. This way if you ever become even moderately as popular as I am you will know how to behave.

This weekend I attended two separate parties. Yes, that's right two parties. I don't know where I find the time or the energy. But I do. I must. My public needs me. That's why I try to stay fit. Saturday I attended a party thrown by my roommate at his new art studio. Sunday I attended a birthday party for my young cousin who ascended to the age of 8 years old. I now would like to share the differences between and adult party and a child's party.

1. --If you arrive fashionably late to an adult party you get there right when the party gets hopping.
--If you arrive fashionably late for an 8-year-old's birthday party, you miss the party.

2. -- A child's party is full of flashing lights, loud noises, and video games.
-- An adult party is full of booze, which makes loud noises, flashing lights, and screaming children excruciating the next day.

3. -- A child's party is full of rides which makes it exciting.
-- An adult's party is held in a yet to be gentrified area of Brooklyn. Where you must traverse darkened, deserted alleys in order to attend. Also very exciting.

4. -- An adult party makes you want to have sex.
-- A child's party makes you reconsider ever having sex.

5. -- A child's party has pizza.
-- An adult party has guacamole and chips.

6. -- At a child's party my grandfather likes to cry and declare that no one loves him.
-- At an adult party (family edition) my grandfather likes to cry while we all tell him no one loves him.

7. -- At a child's party the kids call my grandfather (who wears an eye patch) "patchy the pirate" to his face.
-- At an adult party we call each other whore behind one another's backs.

8. -- A child's party is filled with hope and excitement toward the future.
-- An adult party the attendees belt out Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."