Cleaning Up My Act Reduex

I'm reposting the piece orginally entitled "I'm Cleaning Up My Act." I rewrote it for a reading I gave this past Friday. The topic for the night was "Inappropriate" and the piece was completely appropriate for said subject matter. I was kind of nervous about the reading because I was the only person on the show who was not a poet. Also the reading took place deep in the heart of Queens. My regular readers know that borough and it's people have foiled me in the past, however this time I didn't bike, and I had a marvelous time with marvelous people. The host and producer that night was a young poet, Christina (click on her name to visit her blog). The poets were great.

Feel free though to read the new extended version of "cleaning up my act" posted below.
Dear readers, I have recently given up performing inappropriate material or what we stand-up comedians call “blue” humor. Blue humor usually consists of what industry professionals call “dick jokes.” We use the label “dick” because these jokes commonly involve the human male genitalia. A joke is also considered blue if it consists of foul language. Frequently, these words only consist of four letters. You know like, F*@k or Sh%t. The part of my life where I use these words and tell jokes like, “I’m sick of men fucking with my head because I hate penis in the ear” are over. No more swearing and no more “dick” jokes. I can still use the word “dick” because I have it in quotes here on my paper. Also it’s a word that can be a person’s name. You know like, you’re such a Dick, Richard Peterson. You’re saying to yourself, “But, Rachael that penis in the ear joke is brilliant why the change of heart?” I agree that joke is brilliant. However, I can never tell it again. A life-changing event happened to me on December 1, 2006. I read an article by Jeffrey Zaslow. I don’t know who he is either but his work gets published so he must be important. According to this Zaslow character there's a whole movement brewing for squeaky clean, Christian, and family oriented comedy. It seems parents want to spend quality time with their children at the local comedy club. That makes sense. What better place to spend quality time with the kids than at a bar. And, you know how the young ones love to sit still and listen while adults talk non-stop for an hour and half to two hours. However, when these parents take their offspring to the alcohol establishment they don’t want to expose their kids to off-color humor (“off color” humor is another term for blue.) Parents aren’t alone with their desire to hear good old-fashioned comedy, the comedy of yesteryear. The wholesome comedy Americans enjoyed before Lenny Bruce came along and messed it up for everyone. People long for the non-offensive comedy of the past, like minstrel shows. According to Zaslow’s article the Evangelical Christians also want in on the comedy boom happening right now. (That's where Evangelicals and I relate.) These Jesus lovers want to experience comedy that represents their values; that they can relate to; comedy with a soul. I applaud this movement because Evangelical Christians have gobs and gobs money. And I would like a gob of money. Just one gob. I mean I’m not greedy. I don’t need all the gobs just one. And so, In light of this I'm jumping on the clean comedy bandwagon. I want a career and if I have to keep it clean I will. I don't think I'm selling out. I think these people are right. I agree comedy has become a gross out. How many times must I listen to male comics talk about the joys of masturbating into a sock? Answer: many many times. I can complain about it or I can change the world. That's why from this point forward I will only work clean. You'll never see me get up on stage and talk about how great anal sex is. I don't believe anal sex to be great and so I won't purport that it is just to be "edgy,” I’m a clean comic I don’t need to be edgy. I now have the Christ on my side as well as thousands of children. I’m no phony either; I walk the walk—a pain free walk. I live the life of a clean comic. I don't have anal sex. Why? Because I don't have a prostate. Perhaps, if I did have G Spot in my buttocks I’d be singing a different tune, probably a show tune. If you come out to one of my stand-up shows you won’t hear me talking about how I just couldn't stop orgasming with some guy's penis in my anus. Clean comedians don't have orgasms from anal sex. And, anal sex is dirty. And, when I write dirty I don't mean naughty like wearing leather, using a whip and having you call me Aunt Susie. I mean unclean, unhygienic, filthy. It's sex that deals in feces. No thank you, sir. I’m not a chimp at the zoo. That’s a one way road to UTIville. (Men, that stands for Urinary Tract Infection.) Further, I don't see how a man would enjoy giving the anal sex. Once the head of his penis passes through the sphincter of my anus that head might as well be floating in space. There's nothing there to stimulate it. And all of us adults know the head of the penis is the most sensitive part. That’s how I get away with not having to put the whole thing in my mouth and down my throat. And now the children have learned an important human biology lesson. How is anal sex fun for anyone? The problems go beyond the above-mentioned lack of stimulation. I don’t know about you all but my rectum doesn’t self lubricate unlike my vagina. Further, my anus has a rectum, which is a sphincter, and not an expanding vaginal muscle. This means whoever my partner is that night, or that morning, has to do a whole bunch of work to get that thing loosened up. Also, anal sex requires its participants to fork over money for lubrication that isn’t alcohol. I’ll tell you this, Jesus loved wine and I don’t think he’d appreciate you taking your hard earned money and throwing it away on Astro Glide-even if it was invented by NASA, when those funds could be better used to buy more booze. Once the rectum is finally prepared for the anal sex you have to have sex real slow and careful like. That doesn’t sound fun to me having sex like you’re a 90-year-old in a grocery store. I mean, when I have sex I want you to throw me up against a wall and give it to me, but my rectum can’t take what you want to give it. I could be wrong. People say that there are women out there who enjoy such sex acts. Fine, they can talk about how awesome anal sex is in their sets. They can work blue. But in my act I will always work clean and tell the world the negative aspects of anal sex. I'm sure people who aren't pure of heart, who lack values, who don't have the desire to play clubs filled with 7-year-old children would ask me, "How do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?" I answer those skeptics with, "I know that if I took a gun and shot my knee I wouldn't enjoy that. I don't have to try it. My knee is not bullet proof, nor is my anus." Rest assured America my show is one hundred percent family oriented. Your kids will leave my show not wanting to have anal sex. And you Christians will bond with me over the fact that I too would have fled Sodom and Gomorra with Lots’ family. So please contact me for bookings. I’d love to play your child’s birthday party, first communion, and kindergarten graduation. I can be hired as a special guest speaker for your teenager’s health class. And for those of you God has not yet blessed with children feel free to book me at your next church hootenanny.