Cleaning Up My Act

There's a whole movement these days for squeeky clean, christian comedy and family oriented comedy. It seems parents want to spend quality time with their children at the local comedy club. And it looks like Evangilcal Christians feel left out of the latest comedy boom. (That's where Evangelicals and I relate.) In light of this I'm jumping on the clean comedy bandwagon.

I want a career and if I have to keep it clean I will. And I don't think I'm selling out. I think these people are right. I agree comedy has become a gross out. That's why you'll never see me get up on stage and talk about how great anal sex is. I don't believe anal sex to be great and so I won't proport that it is just to be "edgy," because I'm a clean comic. I walk the walk I live the life of a clean comic. I don't have anal sex. Why? Because I don't have a prostate. If I did I might see the point, but I don't, so I don't. You won't here me talking about how I just couldn't stop cumming with some guy's penis in my anus. Clean comedians don't have orgasms from anal sex. And, anal sex is dirty. And, when I write dirty I don't mean naughty, I mean unclean-unhygenic-filthy it's sex that deals in feces. No thank you, sir. Further, I don't see how a man would enjoy giving the anal sex. Once the head of his penis passes through the sphincter of my anus that head might as well be floating in space. There's nothing there to stimulate it. How is that fun for everyone? People will say that there are women out there who enjoy such sex acts. Fine, they can talk about how awesome anal sex is in their sets. They can work blue. But in my act I will always work clean and tell the world the negative aspects of anal sex.

I'm sure people who aren't pure of heart, who lack values, who don't have the desire to play clubs filled 7-year-old children would ask me, "How do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?" I answer those skeptics with, "I know that if I took a gun and shot my knee I wouldn't enjoy that. I don't have to try it. My knee is not bullet proof, nor does my anus expand like a vaginal muscle."

Rest assured America my show is one hundred percent family oriented. Your kids will leave my show not wanting to have anal sex. And you Christians will bond with me over the fact that I too would not have anally raped Mr. Lott and his family.

Contact my mailing list above to book me for your next church function, cruise ship, or child's birthday party.

Comments

Anonymous said…
This post just goes to show how selfish you can be.

You recognize if you had a prostate that you might see the point of back door love making. But since you don't have a prostate you are removing it from your boudoir repetoire.

However, what about Jack? What about his prostate?! Doesn't he have needs?

Also, never underestimate the bond it builds between man and a woman. Why do you think keeps the long lasting hollywood romances together -- Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore; JT and Cameron Diaz??!

These ladies obviously love anal and aren't afraid to stick it up their man's bum.

If I may borrow from the sagacity of Greg Behrendt. . . Perhaps he's just not that into you, because you won't go into him.

Food for thought, rachel. Food for thought.
Allison said…
This entry might be your best ever. In my opinion, anyway.
rachael said…
Anonymous,

I thank you for your insightful comment. If my man Jack wants his prostate stimulate I would oblige. However, If it turns out Jack really likes it you'll never hear about it in my act because I'm a clean comedian and I can only speak against anal sex.
Anonymous said…
So if a fella wants to stick it in your pooper, you'd deny him because it doesn't make YOU feel good?

What about oral sex? Do you think performing it feels good for him? Or going to a chick flick rom-com?

Sometimes you've got to compromise for the other person. It's called "unselfishness."

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