Monday, December 04, 2006

What Does the King Crab do After we Eat His Legs?

My best friend Anna met me for a drink Saturday evening. She sat down at the bar next to me and said, "Rachael, I've figured it out. I have no legs."
"What?" I asked with no comprehension. There she sat with two legs dangling from a bar stool. I saw her walk into the bar. "Uhh. Anna, you have legs I can see them. I mean my night vision is bad but it's not that bad"
"No. Rachael, I have legs. Literarly I have legs. But metaphorically I don't."
"Anna, you haven't even started drinking yet."
"Rachael, as I walked over here I realized that some people in this world are born without legs. Or they once had legs and for whatever reason they don't. I have legs, but I don't have romantic love. It occurred to me that we can't have it all. Some of us have legs and some don't. I don't. I thought there are some people who've died who never had sex. I have at least had sex, I might never have it again, but at least I did it a handful of times, I liked it for the most part, I guess i'm now confined to this figurative wheel chair. It kind of sucks, but can I be greedy. I see people in NYC and other places who never married who aren't dating and they're fifty-something. I guess those people are using the big-stall in the public bathroom of life as well."
"So you're just giving up?"
"What's to give up. I've gone on dates, I've gone on things that turned out not to be dates, I've tried having one night stands they're a disaster. I've sent hams. It's all so exhausting. It's time I accept that if I'm going to play basketball it's gonna be in a wheel chair."
"Figuratively speaking."
"Right, a metaphor."
"Should I now describe you as my cripple friend Anna?"
"Nah, more like your legless friend Anna."
There you have it people, my friend Anna has no legs.

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