Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Another Morning After Question Answered

It's time once again for my weekly installment of "The Morning After." ("The Morning After" was a sex advice blog my best friend Anna interned for briefly this summer. The blog is now defunct due to the ineptitude of its founders.) Anna has convinced me to answer some of the thousands of questions she received this summer while interning at the blog.

**please excuse any typos. These letters were received via the US Postal Service and I have to retype them into the computer for this blog.**


Dear Dan Dude and Matilda:
(We can see how old these letters are as they are addressed to the lazy, flakey flakes, would-be sex advice columnist, who decimate blog dreams, and leave a needy public without answers. I hope you're enjoying Bermuda, Washington Heights, or where ever it is you two ran off to.)

A couple of nights ago I went to a neighborhood bar. I sat myself down at the end of the bar, away from the mega touch and took in the goings on of other people, some of who were playing naked photo hunt on the Mega Touch. A shaved-bald man sat down next to me. Not right next to me, he left one empty stool between us. We eventually struck up a conversation and he bought me some drinks. Actually, he ordered me drinks. It turns out he's the chef at the bar/grill I was patronizing, meaning he didn't have to pay for the drinks.

We left together. I believe he suggested we go to the convenience store across the street and pick up more alcohol, but I can’t really remember whose idea it was because we had been drinking. We headed up to my apartment booze in hand. We each had a drink then we started making out. Next thing you know we're naked on my bed. As we are fooling around, my hands running up and down his back, I start to think, "If he tries to kill me I'll hit him here in his floating rib. Hmm? can I reach is neck? I should have bought a machete to keep under my pillow." A minute or so later it occurs to me that perhaps I shouldn't be getting intimate with someone I feel may kill me. So I told him to stop. I apologized and said he had to go. He asked for the reason, I said, "I'm not comfortable being naked with you right now." So he got dressed and left.

He called a couple of days later and asked me out for a date. Should I go? If after I threw him out of my apartment in the midst of naked making-out and he still wants to see me he must really be into me. You don't find that everyday. Or of course he just wants to finish the job of killing me which he didn’t accomplish that night.

Sincerely,

On the Fence.

Dear Fence Sitter:

First off, I'd like to apologize on behalf of my no-good predecessors, Dan Dude and Matilda, for taking such a long time to answer this question for you. I'm guessing that you already have made your decision. I hope that whatever you decided that you are still alive and do not find yourself a victim of a murder. If you happened to be murdered may I suggest your surviving relatives sue Dan Dude and Matilda for Wrongful Death in civil court.

On the off chance that you have been waiting patiently for months "The Morning After's" response to your pressing question, and also for the benefit of our (my) readers, I will now answer your question.

You did not include your gender in your question. I am assuming you're a woman by the bubbly handwriting used to script your letter. If it is true that you are a woman, shame on you. Shame on you for getting naked with a man and then throwing him out of your apartment. This action of yours plays into the lowest stereo-types men have about women. If you are going to throw a man out of your apartment for no evident reason you must do your best to throw him out while everyone is mostly, if not completely, clothed. That being stated, I think you were right not sleep this shaved-bald fella. It's hard to enjoy activities when you think your activity partner is trying to kill you. This is true of bowling, hiking, movie watching, dinner eating, and especially sex. It matters little whether or not your activity partner has shown signs he or she is going to murder you. He or She could just be sitting across the dinner table from you when you get the sense he has put Iocane powder in your gnocchi. You could choose to finish the gnocchi knowing that you are being paranoid and ridiculous with your thoughts of Iocane poisoning (possibly burn your DVD of the Princess Bride when you get home), but each forkful will feel like Russian Roulette. You'll eat the whole plate but won't taste a thing and then probably vomit later; fear kills your taste buds and makes you nausea. Same goes for sex. Nothing puts the kibosh on orgasm potential like distrust and Iocane powder.

As for whether or not you should go out with him again (actually, for a first time) I'd say no. It seems you would be going out with him because he is into you. Whether that be for dating or violent crimes is irrelevant. You really need to be going out with people you are into. I think in recent years there as been too much emphasis put on whether or not a dude is into us women. Making it seem like a man being into a woman is some rare thing. It's not. You need to be into him, and if you are into him then go on that date. Again, his intentions are irrelevant because true love is unconditional and all forgiving. If you are into him you probably love him, which means you can forgive anything even a little attempted murder.

Good Luck.

Sincerely,

Smallhands Ick

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