Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Pre-Hanukka Tale That Has Nothing to do with Hanukka

Once upon a time in an over crowded island lived a Prince and his good friend, The Juggling Ninja. The Prince and the Juggling Ninja had studied at the Fairy Institute from 1995-1999. The Institute was founded for Fairies originally but in the early 1900s opened up it's enrollment to everyone and expanded its coarse offerings so one could major in Prince-ing, Ninja-ing, Juggling, Writing Literature and Publishing among others. Many years after graduating the Fairy Institute the Prince met a Wicked Witch. Well, she wasn't wicked she was more pouty. Yes, he met a Pouty Witch who had put spell over the Prince tricking the Prince into falling in love with her. At first no one knew she was a Pouty Witch because she lived on a frozen tundra in a land some call Missoula, MT. The tundra helped conceal the Pouty Witch's true identity. No one suspected she was a witch at all, most thought she was just a quasi-hippie from an affluent famil back East. Eventually, the Pouty Witch left the tundra to sink her claws into the Prince. (Literally they were claws similar in look to a vulture's. I can't believe people saw those hands of hers and didn't know she wasn't a Witch. You live and learn people, even in fairy tales.) Her claws sank deep into the Prince making him bleed all over the place (and again no one said anything), and all his friends including the Juggling Ninja were happy for him. They were happy for three reasons: 1) They didn't know she was pouty as she had them all fooled; 2) He was in love and you should be happy for your friends when they are in love; and, 3)Even if they knew she was a Pouty Witch who are any of them to judge? You should see some of the creatures these people dated.

The months wore on and eventually the Prince's friends began to hate the Pouty Witch because she was always pouting. She was constantly jealous over nothing, which was a real pain in the ass. Despite this the Juggling Ninja continually reached out to the Pouty Witch. The Juggling Ninja invited her to events and tried to make the Pouty Witch feel welcomed in the Prince's principality and social group. The Pouty Witch never responded. The Juggling Ninja was not pleased, but the Ninja said to herself, "Hey, whatever I'm not dating her and I have friends who don't pout I can hang out with. I was just trying to be a nice Ninja."

A couple of years went by and the relationship began to sour between the Prince and the Pouty Witch. Even spells and curses appear to have an expiration date these days. They just don't build spells like they used to. Even though the Prince was able to see through the Pouty Witch's plot she still had those tallons in his ribs which feels alot like love. But, he had to free himself and free himself he did. The Prince had a special power that enabled him to rip her claws right out of his sides. This of course caused more bleeding and pain, but as Kings and Bishops say "Freedom comes at price. And remember always be scared." The Pouty Witch's reign was over. The Prince had freed himself by using his ability to over- analyzing. This enabled him to think past his feelings and run far away. The Pouty Witch shriveled up and the Prince’s friends rejoiced. They thought it was the last they would see of her.

A couple of years passed and all was well with the Prince. The Juggling Ninja was struggling but she always struggled it's hard being a juggling ninja. It doesn't pay well, if any thing at all, men are literally intimidated by ninjas, making it really hard to date. This particular ninja was somewhat paranoid, which is never easy. Anyway, one day the Juggling Ninja was working for an Ogre known as the "The Man." The hours were ridiculous and the atmosphere was soul crushing but, rents are high on an over crowded island and the ninja wasn't a Zen Buddhist and needed a place to protect her from the elements. (Side note: isn't ironic that an over crowded place is an expensive place to live. You'd think with all those people there to pay money for a small island it would be cheaper.) As the Juggling Ninja worked for the Ogre she received a message via a carrier pigeon named "Hotmail" from the Pouty Witch. In turns out the Pouty Witch hadn't died she was alive and well sending flocks of carrier pigeons out of her window with a singular message about temporarily relocating to a place called Van Hailen. The Juggling Ninja was beside herself. "I'm on her mailing list? What the fuck? The bitch couldn't respond to social invitations when she was dating my friend, but two years later I have to have pigeon shit on my desk? I don't keep in touch with my own exs why would I keep in touch with my friend's ex-girlfriends?" The Juggling Ninja, furious by the perceived insult, devised a plan for revenge. The Juggling Ninja would put the Pouty Witch on her mailing list. The Juggling Ninja would inundate the Pouty Witch's mailbox with information on where the Ninja would be juggling around town. Ha Ha! See how she likes it. Then the Ninja got sad. Her plan had one major flaw. The places the Ninja juggles aren't that impressive mostly bars and small theatres. But then the Ninja got happy. The ninja would make shit up. Her mailing list would be full of lies like how the Ninja was appearing on Letterman, "so set your dv recorders." Or how she was headlining Vegas! Yeah! Then the Ninja got sad again (because the ninja is well trained and can go from one emotional peak to another in a blink of an eye.). Why is the Ninja going to put this much effort into a witch she barely knows? That's just a little pathetic. But then the Ninja forgave herself and said, "Well, it was a funny idea and if I were working for the Ogre past this week it would have been a fun way to pass the time."

So the Juggling Ninja let it go and wound up getting drunk with her friends later that night. The Pouty Witch was still a Pouty Witch was punishment enough.

And they all lived happily ever after.

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