Rehearsal Drinks

Wednesday night my fiance James and I went down to Reverand Jen's Anti-Slam open mic to read our vows. We have begun to work on our vows because we want them perfect for our wedding in 8 years. Today I share with you our first draft of vows. This is what we read on Wednesday night.

Rachael: I vow to give your renovated barn project (where we have to live in a renovated barn in Upstate NY with the theatre students who are there to study for week long intensives) one year before I force us to move back to NYC.

James: I vow always and forever to read or to pretend to read your blog.

Rachael: I vow to sleep with as many people as you do during the coarse of our marriage.

James: I vow to listen attentively to your clinical stories of past, present, and future sexual interludes; and I furthermore vow never to pressure you into having an orgasm.

Rachael: I vow to flame the fires of our love

James: I vow to be conscientious of your feelings by staying far enough away from your bedroom when I'm sleeping with other people so that you don't hve to hear my indiscretions.l

Rachael: I vow never to tease your fear of the dark as long as you let me sleep with the lights on.

James: I vow to share equally chocolate chunks in the pints of premium ice cream we eat together while watching "Sex and the City."

Rachael: I vow that if I ever upload the top friends application on Facebook you will be in my top friends. Further, if you ever break down and get a myspace page I'll immediately add you to my top friends there as well.

James: I vow that if you ever move to San Fransisco , to never say any disparaging things about that city and it's intolerable lack of public transportation etc, unless you bring it up first.

Rachael: I vow to obsessively tract my blog traffic statistics so I know if you've read or have pretended to read my blog.

James: I vow to make-out with you to make other boys jealous.

Rachael: I vow to do the laundry

James: I vow to do the dishes

Rachael: I vow to weasel my way into as many wills of my barren, childless relatives as possible so we may retire one day.

James: To always help us remember to drink on glass of water for every glass of alcohol we imbibe--the Pac.

Rachael: I vow to make our mariage a non-profit organization.

James: I vow never to get back together with my ex-girlfriend Lindsey despite your relentless urgings for me to do so.

Rachael: I vow never to be your father

James: I vow to cook for you.

Rachael: I vow to not cook potatoes often to ensure we don't turn Irish.

James: I cow that when I switch my phone service to T-Mobile, to make you one of my 5-faves even though there might be someone I talk to more often and for longer durations. and therefore keeping you in my 5-faves will diminish my day-time minutes.

Rachael: I vow never to have anal sex--ever--with anyone.

James: I vow never to convert to Judaism: that is...I will never complain about having a bad back, never send for or wine back to the kitchen, and never to loudly and passive agressively wonder if there are pepper corns in the soup.

Rachael: I vow to drunkenly call you so you know I care.

James: I vow to encourage you "finishing" yourself off if I get too winded to do the job. I will encourage you without moving to the couch with a bruised ego.

Rachael: I vow to purchase a more practical weapon to keep by the side of the bed than a broom handle, so I may better be able to fight off serial killers, crack heads, and monsters in our closet.

James: I vow to share honestly and openly with you my girl problems and to listen sensetively to all your boy problems.


Nina Paley said…
Jeez, you sound like you're already married.