Thursday, August 02, 2007

Stop the Carnage

I think I shall run for political office on an anti-confessing your love via text-message platform. The emotional carnage taking such action causes is devastating. The sleepless nights wondering, “Did he/she get the text? I could have sworn he/she has text messaging. Maybe it’s raining in Brooklyn even though it’s not raining here in The Bronx and reception is all screwed up?” These kinds of sleepless nights cut into worker productivity the following day and sometimes even lead to people calling into work sick. Though, frequently the love confessors come into work to get the opinions of their co-workers on what the receiver of the amorous text is thinking and feeling. This also interrupts office productivity. Sometimes the problem isn’t that the receiver hasn’t responded, sometimes the text-message receiver does respond. The problem here is he/she will probably respond via text because that is how the message came in. Now, the two parties will have a lengthy discussion about their feelings--typing their words with a tiny, inefficient keyboard this is time consuming. Further thoughts and feeling won’t be fully expressed because it’s a pain in the ass to type on your phone, “I’m flattered that you have these feelings for me, you’re such an incredible person. Unfortunately, I am married. If only I weren’t maybe we could be together. Not that I want you to kill my spouse. No definitely don’t kill my spouse. I love my spouse and I think you’re terrific but I’m crazy busy and I only have time for one lover right now. I’ll see you next life time. Not that I want you to kill me and then yourself. No. No. I mean, you can kill yourself. I don’t believe in interfering with people’s personal choices, but I beg you not me or my spouse.” Who is going to type all that with their phone? Instead that sentiment will come out “If only I weren’t married.” How many innocent lives have to be lost before something is done about confessional text messaging? Not to mention medical costs in this country will sky rocket. The number of arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, and myopia (near-sightedness) cases will increase.

Let it be noted this prohibition on “I love you” text messages is very specific. It will only affect people who choose to make such statements to people with whom they are not in a secure romantic relationship. People in secure romantic relationships may text “I love you” ad infinitum. As that is a nice thing to do. People in secure relationships have probably already told one another that they love each other in person or in a Valentine’s Day card. So the “I love you” text is more of a pleasant reminder than an awkward (mostly likely drunk) confession.

“But Rachael, how do I know if I’m in a secure romantic relationship?’ Simple. You know it’s secure and romantic if your partner puts suntan lotion on your back and you reciprocate without getting nauseas or queasy. If you don’t go to the beach or pool together you are not in a secure romantic relationship.

In conclusion: it is just cowardly to text message someone you love them when you’re putting suntan lotion on each other. And cowardly is un-American. If an American displays yellow-belly behavior he/she should be fined, jailed, and then deported. Yes, deported, even if they were born here we should deport them to the cowardly nation of Quebec.

Now I just have to decide which office I should run for in order to save the United States of America

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