Wednesday, February 13, 2008

For Your Love I'd Climb the Highest Mountain and Then Leave You There Alone and Naked

For Valentine’s Day my gift to you is the gift of love. There have been many books written on the subject of finding love. All those books are wrong. There is only one sure fired way get what you want in this world, including love. Oprah has a secret and I know what it is. You have to have heaping mountains of money. You think Stedman or Gail would still be hanging around that lunatic if she was filthy stinking rich. She owns them.

I know you don’t believe me. It’s those god damn Beatles and their “Can’t buy my love.” Well, of course you can’t buy the Beatles’ love they have more money than most people. Those limeys don’t need your money because they already have it. They didn’t give away their hit single “Can’t Buy Me Love.” You can’t buy their love but they sure as hell can buy yours. Too bad for me none of the remaining Beatles are in love with me. Because I’ll tell you what. I don’t need to be temping anymore that’s for sure.

So here is how it works. You go out and you get yourself a great deal of capital. I don’t mean upper middle class income.You have to do more than practice corporate law. There are several ways to come by this money. Start your own miltary contracting company, hack into Merryl Lynch or some such institution and divert their funds into your account, or get into Warren Buffet’s will as sole inheriter and then kill him without getting caught. These are just some suggestions and by no means the best if you have a better idea how to earn billions or a least 100s millions of dollars go for it.

Once you get the money you find out where th e object of your desire works. You use your influence to get him fired. Then you make sure that he is unable to get another job. Next, you get him kicked out of his domicile. Now, he may have a flourishing social network ready to help him. So you must frame him for a sex crime. However, and this is important, make sure he doesn’t actually get convicted. Just a little smear campaign to kill his social ties. Later you will use your wealth and influence to clear his good name. Now you have him where you want him. Cold, alone, desperate homeless, and on the verge of suicide. Now you and your billions swoop in and come to the rescue. He’ll have no choice but to date you and probably move in to your plade right away.

I know you’re thinking, “Rachael, that isn’t love. It’s one person’s cruelty killing another’s person’s free will.” First off, cruelty and love are not mutually exclusive. Secondly, you’re right. It’s not love yet. What you have now are two people are committed to each other. And what we learn from Fiddler on the Roof as well as our neighbors from India (with their arranged marriages) is that you will grow to love each other. Or at least he’ll grow to love you as you are already in love with him. You will run a household together have some awkward sex, maybe take in a movie now and again. And of course you guys will really bond when together you struggle to fight the sex crime charges and restore his reputation. How could he not grow to love you the way you stood by him like that. You an almost stranger believed in him when no one else would. When he was at his lowest with nothing to offer buy companionship. I’m getting teary just typing this the whole thing is so beautiful, romantic, and fool proof.

So put down those books and magazines telling you how you must change to get him to love you. It’s the perfect blow job that gets a man but the destruction of his life before you are together that is what true love is made of.

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