Tuesday, February 12, 2008

You've Reached Your Apex

**It has been brought to my attention that the following post makes it seem like I'm in love with a man from my past. That wasn't my intention. I know I know last week when I was temping I got bored and tried to find out if Bill was still married. Turns out that he is and that he and his wife are quite active in NJ land preservation. But residual feelings is not the point of the succeeding post. The point is that people tell you unsubstantiated postive things like, "your worth more," "you can do anything you set you mind to," and "you can do better." These things are rarely true. We tell each other these hollow sentiments because we don't want to hear each other bitch and moan any more. **

Hey Ladies! Guess what? Your friends are wrong. You can’t do better than the guy you are currently obsessed with or dating. That dude that you won’t stop talking about. The one none of your friends like. Well, they might have liked him but your increscent chatter on the subject of him has turned them against him. Well, that, and the fact they are your friends and he’s been a self-centered prick a bunch of times. Yeah, that guy. You can’t do better than him.

Your friends were lying to you when they told you could do better. (Whatever better means. Is a sweet, cute, rich man better if your conversations with him are stilted and awkward?) Really they were lying to themselves. They want you to find someone better. They want you to be happy and they don’t want to hear about it anymore. Unfortunately, you can’t do better. If you could do better you would do better. You’re not that lazy. If some awesome guy who you “clicked with” came along you’d snatch him up. But he hasn’t come along, so you are obsessed with the best guy you’ve managed to nab, even if he’s no longer nabbed, or if he was never actually nabbed.

Let’s take Donna Hanover. She told a story of dating some fella while she was in college years ago. He broke up with her. (I’m guessing he broke up with her because she waited for an apology for 30 years or something). In 30 some odd years Donna Hanover, star of the Vagina Monologues, TV Personality, college graduate, couldn’t find anyone better. She wound up marrying a megalomaniac NYC mayor who broke up with her via a press conference. Donna is a smart lady and so when her college flame apologized three decades later she took him back. Why? Because Donna knows that despite being a catch she can’t do any better.

I have friend who was in love with some boy for 5 years. She confessed her feelings to him and he said, “No I will not date you. I will not date you on a boat. I will not date you through a moat. I will not date you.” She tried finding someone better. She even entered into a five-year relationship with an actor. He was very inattentive boyfriend. It turns out he wasn’t better. He was worse. She broke-up with him and now she dates the dude who originally wouldn’t date her.

I’m not saying you women will ever have a healthy or loving relationship with the person you are obsessed with. Donna and my friend’s stories might be rare exceptions. But I know this you wouldn’t be obsessed with the dude you’re obsessed with if all the better ones weren’t already engaged and married, but they are. Of course they are they’re better! As long as you keep meeting people who ask you to dinner and then try to make out with your drunk friend two minutes after you left the club, or dudes with lizard tongues, or dude who are cute but the epitome of insipid the “stupid jerk you are obsessed with” will look pretty good. He might be insensitive and selfish but he never badgered you into licking his dick and that my friends is the sad sad truth.

And just to clarify you don’t like this guy because he’s the best you can do. He’s the best you can do because you like him. It doesn’t help that the rest of them are megalomaniac mayors and borderline date rapists.

I know that I was talking to the ladies, but this also applies to the men as well.

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