Monday, February 25, 2008

Morning After on Smallhands #3 - I Think.

Hey all, it's time once again for my almost weekly, but not quite weekly installment of the Morning After Blog on Smallhand_Ick.

"Morning After" was a sex advice blog founded by Dan Dude and Matilda who quickly abandoned their project so that they could not follow through on other ventures somewhere else. My best friend Anna was their intern and at her bequest I have started answering the sex questions, which lay fallow in the Morning After mail bag, asked by readers like you (not you because you guys haven't asked questions. How could you? You don't have the mailing address of the P.O. Box that now is rented out by others who are not Dan Dude or Matilda.)

Dear Dan Dude and Matilda (shout out to intern Anna):

Hi guys. Here's the deal. I went out with this guy a few times. I thought he was cute. And then I got him home and he took off his clothes. It was not the same. He looked so much better in his clothes. I feel like I was tricked by good wardrobe. I was sold a false bill of goods. We had fun on our dates, but that body has to go. What should I do guys?

Sincerely,

Visually Deceived.

Dear Deceived:

Unfortunately, you weren't specific with what was wrong with this guy's body. If it were leprosy I'd suggest a virtual relationship. If they were lesions perhaps you need to see if they are contagious. If it was just the normal not in shape, hair in places we'd rather it not be, back acne, web-feet, 3rd degree burn scars type of action well...I don't know who you've been dating prior to this snazzy dresser, but I have found we all look better with our clothes on. Sure, there are those people who are just gorgeous and physically flawless. I have a feeling you wouldn't have gone on “several” dates with such a person before you got them naked. Why? Because extremely beautiful people are boring. Why? Because beautiful people don't have to develop any skills or personality to make it through life and attract sex partners. We do things for the extremely beautiful just because they are beautiful. And rather than hear them go on about hair products and the free gym membership that the sales consultant just gave them for no reason "Though, things like that are always happening to me. Ha. I guess I'm just lucky." We sleep with them immediately.

Fortunately or unfortunately, you are out with someone who has hid his horrible bodily deformity behind his clothes. Too bad you find his nakedness shocking. I feel that you are not actually attracted to him. In my experience I feel that attraction with someone you have spent time with has much more to do with pheromones and your mind being stimulated. I’m thinking maybe the only thing you are attracted to about this guy is his wardrobe. If you feel I’m mistaken than let me suggest you guys lay down on the bed. I have found people are less unattractive once on the bed. When people are standing up you expect them to look like a Gap Ad or Sears Catalogue. But once on the bed your sex partner is just supposed to look like a flesh colored pillow. Who doesn’t love body pillows? Hmm? And in the words of my sexually promiscuous friend, Aaron, "Beauty is just a light switch away."

Remember people. We are all flawed and not great looking, but god damn it we have personality.

Sincerely,

Smallhands Ick

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