Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Parenta Advisory

My mother called me yesterday to scold me. She was very pissed off.

"Rachael, I've just been reading your blog."

"Yeah, I know." I responded, because well, I know. Don't ask me how but trust that I do because I'm that good.

"Oh that's right. You and your stalking."

"It's not stalking if you are reading my blog. I'm not reading your blog."

"You know darn well, I don't have a blog."

"Well, then how could I be stalking you?"

"You have such a smart mouth. I went through some of you old posts and I've decided that I'm now pissed and offended. I want you to take down those posts about me giving you twenty dollars so that you could get a stranger drunk, take advantage of hime, so I could have grand children. First off, I never said that, and people will think I'm some kind of hussy raiser."

"I know you didn't give me money to get laid, but when I was a teenager you wanted me to wear minnie skirts and show my legs off."

"Well, you have very nice legs. If I had legs like that I'd be showing them off, it's a crime you were hiding them under baggy pants. But it's all too late now. You're over 30 you're body is going to go to shit any day now."

"I'm not wearing a mini skirt and I'm not taking jokes out of my act or blogposts down."

"The least you could do is change my name in the jokes."

"You're name isn't in any of my jokes."

"But you say 'my mom.' You need to change that."

"Are you on crack? What am I supposed to say? Should I change you to 'my neighbor?' The joke would go something like this: 'My parents are supportive though, they came and saw me perform. Then the next day they immediately bought long term care insurance. Should I take that the wrong way? No. I mean, my dad he bought me a tape recorder he said, "Here. Here's a taperecorder. Tape your act. You listen to it." Then my neighbor got all mad at him and she said, "How could you buy her a tape-recorder? Now She'll never get marriend." WHAT?!' Yeah, that really works, mom."

"Why not just say your god mother? Just say your god parents hate your act or your god-parents really want god-grand children?"

"You have to be kidding me."

"Oh and another thing, I never made this so called call you're transcribing for your tens of readers."

"Oh, Judith, you're just so metta."

"What did I say about using my name?"

"Nothing. This call didn't happen."

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