Death comes to us all...

I've been in complete agony for over 24 hours. Something lay in my lower abdomen and that something is not happy. It jabs and stabs at me from my inside. Logically, the pain must be an indication that my apendix has burst. I Expressed this theory to my father. He thought an apendix rupture was unlikely because my body was not drenched in sweat nor did I have fever What does he know about medicine? He works in the welding industry. However, I realize now, several hours after speaking to dad, that since I am not dead, my apendix probably remains intact.
What could be wrong? If my years of studying theatre at Emerson taught me anything it's that I have intestinal cancer. What else could it be? I mean, maybe I could be pregnant. Not that I have had sex recently, as my boyfriend is in a far off land. However, who the hell knows what polythesitic religion he's been practicing with remote peoples. He could have participated in an elaborate ceremony where he was able to release his spirit, that then traveled to Brooklyn to be wtih me. While I slept his spirit came to me and we shared an exquisite love. The expression of our love left me pregnant. I doubt remote peoples who still practice spirit releasing have developed spirit prophylactics. As a result I'm now carrying Jack's spirit baby. Which I should celebrate because it means i'm not dying, however, I am not polythesistic but secularly Jewish, so I shan't celebrate anything but fear the worst. Frankly, I don't know if my body can handle birthing a spirit baby. I'll probably die during childbirth. It's got to be something. If it's not a appendix ruptured than it must be cancer and if it's not cancer than it has to be spirit pregnancy complications.

It's dangerous business this pregnancy stuff. They never teach about spirit sex in health class, I think that's pretty western centrist. And with the world continuing to shrink I think the kids today need to learn about non-body sex. Let me be the example not to follow. Yes, readers of this blog let us start a campaign to lobby congress to make sure every child gets a complete story of the dangers of sex in their public schools. Who's with me?!