Thursday, June 16, 2005

Old jokes from Portland

These are couple of jokes that I dont' perform anymore but the inspiration for them was in town this past weekend and as I stayed clear from the chelsea area I was reminded of them.

I went out with this guy and on the first date of the relationship he gives me the "It's not you it's me" speech. Who starts a relationship off with the it's not you it's me speech? That's like putting a condom before taking off your pants. I guess he knew what he was doing because I fucked him. But then the comdom broke. Luckily he was still wearing his pants--wide whale corduroy: ribbed for my pleasure.

I went on date with this dude and he was like, "I'm not looking to commit right now. I'm just letting you know because at any moment during dinner I might have to get up and have sex with the waitress in the bathroom. I figured I'd tell you so i wouldn't be the asshole who hurt you."

version 2
I went on date with this dude and he was like, "I'm not looking to commit right now." I responded, "Um...do you want a copy of the list of phone numbers of the other boys I'm seeing,
'cause i have a copy here in my back pocket, Roger."
"My name is, Kevin."
"Whatever."

(I say he really was a comedic actor and not a comedian but...)
I don't sleep with comedians, so if I slept with you you're obviously not funny.

version 2
I don't sleep with comedian because when my career goes nowhere everyone will know how bad I am at sex.

you should see the sketches

No comments: